So, I went on a blind date this week. Actually, she wasn't quite a blind date; she just wore really strong glasses. (Drum fill)
Author's note: I'm really really sorry about that opening joke. I swear it won't happen again.To be honest, I never thought of myself as the "going on a blind date" type of guy. That always seemed like something older people did -- most likely in a movie that somehow involved Meg Ryan. Or maybe a Cathy cartoon. Or at the very least, that TV show The Single Guy, which I always like to refer to as The Show When You Go Off And Get Some Ice Cream Before Seinfeld Starts.
And blind dates are a little scary. I mean, I was saying to myself, "Well, if she's such a cool person, how come she can't find a date of her own?" Yes, I realize the same logic applies to me, but I'm different, you see. I'm a Computer Science major. I went to school and attended all male classes. I've only vaguely heard of women in an abstract sort of way. I know they exist, but I never actually see them, much like molecules, or anti-matter, or tax refunds.
But on the other hand, my current method of trying to meet women by sitting by the phone all day and waiting for wrong numbers ...
Woman's voice: Hello, is David there?...didn't appear to be working. So I decided to go for this blind date thing. I mean what's the worst that could happen? Well, okay, it could be some Fatal Attraction-like thing where we'd have a one-night stand, she would become obsessed with me and eventually try to take over my life, but at least I'd get a fun night out of it.
Me: Baby, I can be anyone you want me to be.
Woman's voice: Jerk. (Hangs up.)
Me: She'll be back...
But I knew she was going to be pretty because I had a pimple. I'm pretty sure it's some sort of zit conspiracy that if they know I'm going to be meeting somebody attractive, they decide to drop by. ("Hi, Todd! Thought I'd check out your date! Hey, she's a cutie. Mind if I hang out here on your forehead all night?")
I am basing my theory on the fact that all life needs to reproduce. Pimples are aware that you're only going to eat lots of chocolate if you hang out at home alone without a girlfriend. So it's in their best interest to make sure you have absolutely no love life.
A much wilder scientific theory suggests that stress causes acne, which, if true, made my life as a teenager hell on earth.
I mean, when you're 16 years old, what's going to be the biggest cause of stress in your life? Certainly not finding a job. That's years away! Jobs are things held by old people. Who go on blind dates. Your major source of stress is your complexion. Heck, it was stressful enough for me just trying to keep the entire world on the left side of my body when I had a pimple on the right side of my face (c'mon, admit it, you all did it too). Not to mention the awful Oxy commercials, which single-handedly destroyed all my self-esteem as a teenager.
(The scene -- all these kids having fun at a party)I suppose the worst thing about this whole puberty thing is that is hasn't ended yet. I mean, Peter Brady managed to go through puberty in one episode. And he made a hit song in the process. Yes, it counts as a hit song because I know we can all sing along to it:
Beautiful girl: This is a great party!
Other beautiful girl: Yeah, too bad you-know-who isn't here.
Studly guy: What, you mean pizza face?!? I wouldn't leave the house if I were him!
(They all laugh)
Oxy 10 announcer: Look at you. You're disgusting. I can't believe you're going outside like that. You'd better put on some Oxy 10, or you'll never obtain any social status higher than that kid everyone stuffs into lockers. At least your peers are getting some entertainment out of him. They're afraid to stare directly into your face. You make me want to puke.
(Enter studly actor, who has clearly never had a pimple since birth.)
Beautiful girl: Hey! You look great!
Studly actor: Thanks to Oxy 10!
Everybody: Hahahahahaha! Let's go have sex now!
Announcer: Remember, use Oxy 10, or spend the rest of your life on blind dates.
Anyway, I was talking about my blind date and I'm getting off the subject because I was avoiding the topic that all guys discuss after a date...
So, did you get any? (Girls ask the same thing. They just do it with a little more subtlety. Like, "How was the date?" or "Hey! Let's play Truth or Dare!")
So in answer to the question you all are asking: I like to leave some stuff in my personal life private, thank you very much, so butt out.
Awww... didn't get any, huh?
Excuse me, did I say that? I just said it wasn't any of your business.
Nope. You didn't get any. If you did, you would have told us.
Maybe I'm just a private person.
Didn't you just spend the last 6 paragraphs discussing your adolescent acne fears?
Okay, so I didn't get any. Now mind your own business.
I knew it.
Shut up.
Actually, it was a very nice date, and we had a good enough time to make tentative plans to go out again next weekend. I haven't called her yet, though, because there's this big important rule of dating that says you have to wait a couple of days after a date before calling a girl. Apparently, if a girl thinks you're interested in her, that's a big turn-off. I don't understand it really, but I'm not going to argue about it in front of America. I'm afraid to. I've got this pimple on my forehead.