Yes, as you can see, I got myself a haircut this week that
can only be described as "Sassy." Pretty soon, I'll be on the
cover of one of them teenage heartthrob magazines, my face next
to headlines like, "An in-depth interview with the Saved By
the Bell guys" and "Top 10 Do's and Don't of kissing" (which
I will probably read). Actually, I recently saw the movie Kids,
and if it's anything like real life, I guess my picture will be next
to articles like "The Top 10
Do's and Don't of
having sex while unconscious due to a drug overdose" and
"Getting high with the Saved by the Bell guys." (Hey, they've
still got their appeal...)
But I'm not here to talk about my haircut -- I really just wanted to point it out to you so that I'd get lots of compliments about it. Also, I'd like to point out that my birthday is on January 30th. But I'm not here to talk about that, either, or to mention that the Foo Fighter's CD would make an excellent birthday gift. I really just wanted to explain why Cron Job #13 isn't here. I understand, you've been patient. You've probably been checking this site every five minutes to see if the new Cron Job is up yet, and to those of you who are doing so, I'd like to say, "Thank you for your loyalty." I'd also like to say, "You need to get out more."
But I'm afraid that I just can't release the Cron Job that I've been writing. It's really just not that funny. If you don't believe me, check out these few excerpts from the rough draft...
Back when I lived on the East coast...See what I mean? No humor there whatsoever, except for David Hasselhoff, who is just inherently funny....brief sidenote, since...
...gesture so wildly while holding those scissors?"...
...David Hasselhoff...
So the way I see it, I have only two options: I can either just let you know that this issue isn't coming out anytime soon, or I can pull an Andy Rooney and write an article complaining about some petty little thing that you don't give a rat's ass about. ("Don't you hate it when you bite the inside of your mouth? And then you eat salad with raspberry vinagrette dressing? I hate that. They should put little warnings on salad dressings that say, 'Warning: Do not eat if you've bitten the inside of your mouth.'")
Andy Rooney must be the most irritable man on the entire planet to have so much piss him off. I mean, God forbid something bad of any significance happens to him. ("Don't you hate it when a two men hold you at gunpoint and force you out of your car and drive away with it while your daughter's in the back seat? And what's with those wool ski masks they wear? Don't you think they itch?")
So basically, it boiled down to a choice between spending all day bringing Cron Job up to speed, or watching the Super Bowl. I opted for the Super Bowl, even though I'm not much of a football fan. I mean, you don't really watch the Super Bowl for the game, you go there for a much better reason -- the cool Super Bowl commercials.
No, wait. That's not true. (Although I have to admit that I waited for the commercials to be over whenever I had to get up to go to the bathroom.) You go see the Super Bowl because it's a big bonding experience. You can get together with friends, drink some beers, and make bets on how long it'll take them to sing the National Anthem. (My theory, incidentally, on the National Anthem is that the time it takes for the singer to get through it is directly related to how much trouble their career is in. Vanessa Williams pulled it off in under 2 minutes, so she's probably doing okay. I guess it's a good thing Vanilla Ice wasn't asked to sing, or we might still be waiting.)
Besides which, the Super Bowl is much more enjoyable than the creative process I have to go through to write an issue of this thing, which generally goes something like:
So, that's pretty much why you won't be seeing an issue of Cron Job this week. I'm sorry to disappoint all of my fans (both of you), but surely by next week, something funny will have happened to me. And if not, I'll just make a bunch of jokes about Knight Rider. (By the way, 10 bonus points to the first person to tell me the name of KITT's evil twin.)