I've got a second date. Normally, this isn't a problem. In fat, a second date usually means I was successfully able to make meaningless small talk for over 2 hours while simultaneously making sure I didn't have, like, a booger hanging out my nose the entire evening.
Note to Pulitzer-Prize Award Committee: Please ignore that last joke. Remember, my humor is witty, sophisticated and worthy of recognition and large cash prizes. Also, please note that the fact that I have a second date does not preclude me from, say, sleeping with certain influential members of certain prestigious prize committees, if you get my drift.
No, my problem with this girl, (who for the sake of this article we'll call Lisa because... well... that's her name) is that it's her birthday. And so for our second date, I'm going to come up to her place and she's going to have a birthday party.
At this point, all the women reading this article are thinking, "Oh! That's nice: A chance to meet her friends and family in a non-threatening environment! What a great date!" All the guys are wincing in pain, the same way they do in perfect synchronicity when some guy in the movies gets kicked in the crotch, (We practice that, by the way) because they know this means that I have to buy her a present. Nooooooooooo....
Buying presents for girlfriends or dates is always a painful procedure. The reason the process is so difficult boils down to a couple of reasons:
Jewelry
This is why guys have sisters. So that when we've been going out with a
girl for a year or so, we can take our sisters to the mall and have them pick out
nice jewelry for our girlfriends. (Studies show that Only Children have problems
with long-term relationships. That's why: Bad jewelry choices.) However, I
can't do this, because it's a second date, where we're still in that "Trying to
decide if we like each other or whether we just like the kissing part" stage. At
this point, buying her fancy jewelry is being a little too intense. In a "I'm
taking out a 50-foot restraining order against you" sort of way.
Sexy underwear
This is a high-risk area in general, because there is a fine, invisible,
line between "Victoria's Secret sexy" and "Times Square Hooker sleazy" I'm not quite
sure where this line is. The only rule I have figured out is that if it involves Velcro,
it's probably sleazy. And again, for a second date, it's probably not a good idea.
Gifts for Ourselves
Yes, I suppose sexy underwear fits into this category, but I'm thinking more along
the lines of just "cool stuff" that guys get for women because they secretly want it
for themselves.
Girlfriend: (Unwrapping gift) Oh... it's a Sony Playstation videogame.
Me: I hear it's supposed to be really good. You like it?
Girlfriend: But, I don't have a Sony Playstation
Me: Oh. (Pause) So, can I borrow it?
Flowers
Okay, this is a cop-out. As a nice, "Look what I got you for no apparent reason!" gift
it's great. But otherwise, this is the gift that says, "I got you flowers because I couldn't
think of anything else." Houseplants are slightly better because they stick around longer, and,
as my great Interior Decorating talent has discovered, any place looks better with a
houseplant. The problem with houseplants is there's pressure on the girlfriend's side to keep
them alive or else
maybe it means she subconsciously doesn't care about you anymore and wishes you'd
dehydrate and have your extremities shrivel up and fall off. Or perhaps I'm reading too much
into this thing.
Clothing
Forget it. Guys will never be able to pick clothing correctly. Usually because
anything we pick is met with the idea that it "makes my butt look big."
Alcohol
Normally, a bottle of good wine is a good idea.
But this girl lives in Sonoma county, which is one of the biggest
wine-producing
areas in the country. That would be like going to see somebody in France and bringing them
a bag of croissants from Dunkin' Donuts. Or maybe going to England and bringing them some
sort of meat dish with
all the flavor boiled out of it. And although she'd probably appreciate a bottle of Kahlua, (hey, who
wouldn't?) all of her relatives are going to be at this party, and somehow, "Hi! I'd like to get your daughter
drunk this evening!" isn't really the kind of message I want to convey to her parents.
So, as you can see, just about all of my gift-giving options are gone, with the possible exception of duct tape. (Sure, it ain't romantic, but it always comes in handy.) Or maybe I'll just get her one of those oh-so-hilarious Shoebox Greetings cards that says, "Hi! I'm too cheap to buy you a gift! Ha ha!" Yeah, I think I'll do that. It's the kind of gift that says I'm a funny guy. It's the kind of gift that says I don't buy into convention. It's the kind of gift that says I don't feel the need to be pressured by tradition. Only problem being, it's also the kind of gift that says there's no way in hell I'm getting a third date out of this.