Although, quite frankly, if you couldn't figure out from the title that this article was a follow-up to Cron Job #18, this article probably isn't for you after all, and you should go spend your time reading something with fewer syllables. But I digress...
Okay, so it's been 2 weeks since my last CronJob, and I've gotten many helpful gift ideas from female readers who, simply out of the goodness of their hearts, wanted to make my love life happy. Either that, or they wanted to make sure I was out of the dating pool while they're still looking.
I certainly appreciate all the suggestions people sent in, and being the gracious guy that I am, used none of them. Actually, this was really because through the magic of the Information Superhighway (trademarked by Larry Ellison) and the fact that I was too damned lazy to get off my Cyber (trademarked by Wired magazine) ass, you actually read Cron Job #18 after I had my date.
Oh, and since you're wondering what I actually gave her... well, I discussed it with several of my female friends (after talking with my crazy roommate, who suggested I get her an expensive necklace from Tiffany's [which I suppose is a nice gesture but for a second date kind of screams "Hi. I'll be stalking you for months afterwards." The moral being: Don't date my roommate], I decided to only consult females for advice.) and I ended up giving her wind chimes.
We decided wind chimes covered all the bases. It was nice without being too nice or mushy, it didn't require any care or maintenance, it would remind her of me every time the wind blew, and it wasn't one of those sleazy gifts you'd find in those gift shops next to the boxes of "Funzies -- The underwear for two!" (I actually saw this product in my strongly Catholic-influenced hometown. I think the store was swallowed up by the earth, but I'm not sure.)
The date itself went pretty well, I suppose... considering that I spent most of it talking to all of her relatives. This is actually not as bad as you might think. Her parents were pretty cool, and hey, everybody's parents love me. I suppose in the future, this will help me out big-time, seeing as how we're all turning into our parents. (Think about it: Do you get excited when you walk into a Bed & Bath and see all the cool kitchen gadgets? See what I mean?) But back in high school, when we were trying as hard as possible to be exactly the opposite of our parents, this was essentially the Dating Kiss of Death (without tongue, mind you, because Dating wanted to be "just friends").
But anyway, I thought I'd help out my fellow men by reprinting some of the suggestions I had gotten from readers. If you find this information useful, let me know.
One suggestion that came up often was to give her flowers in a nice vase. That way, she gets the nice flowers, but she also gets something that won't die on her in a week. Also, the vase comes in quite convenient during your next big spat, because she'll have something to throw at you. (So make sure the vase is lightweight.)
Another cool suggestion was to get her a gift basket full of bath items. This is something I never would have thought of on my own, considering that I never have more than 2 items in my shower at any time. But apparently, things like bath gel are very popular among women. And I would like to point out that if somebody throws a little capsule of bath gel at you during a spat, it doesn't hurt. (In fact, you leave the fight with youger-looking, moisturized skin.)
Somebody suggested a big stuffed animal, but being a guy, I can speak for most of us when I say we don't like to give cutesy gifts like stuffed animals, unless we can achieve them in a manly way, such as winning them in a Whack-a-Mole game. (By the way, does this seem wrong to anybody? As a prize for beating up on small animals, you win another small animal to beat up in the comfort of your own home? It's a sick world we live in.)
One helpful reader suggested perfume, although I have to say that I haven't worn any sort of cologne in the last 4 years, and so the whole scent industry is kind of a mystery to me. Mostly because of the commercials, which usually consist of kids sitting around full of angst. I don't really want more angst in my life. If Calvin Klein just said, "Hey! Wear CK1 and you'll get laid! Constantly!" then I would consider it.
Finally, somebody told me my date would appreciate a big box of chocolate or jelly beans. In an ideal world, this would be great. But, largely due to CK1 ads, many women now are afraid of eating anything that has more caloric content than, say, dental floss. (And that's the unflavored kind, I might add.) And you know, I really think that's too bad. Perhaps next time, I can give her Calvin Klein's head on a plate. As long as she promises not to throw it at me.
And finally, one fellow suggested that I just get her some TNT. Well, I thank this Mr. T. K. from Montana for his suggestion, and I went ahead and forwarded his Email to some friends in Washington DC. I hope he doesn't mind.