• It's divisible by 5.
• Also by 10.

Husband: Honey! For our 36th anniversary, we're going to the Bahamas! Err... wait a sec... carry the one... oh. Nevermind. We're going to Denny's.
Representative From the Diamond Industry: Remember, you're a scumbag unless you give her an incredibly expensive rock that looks just like glass!

This is a work of genius. Make guys think that unless they decide to put themselves in debt for longer than their marriage will probably last, they're total slime. I wish I had come up with this kind of thing.

And while I'm on the subject of brilliant marketing, I think we should all just sit around in awe of whoever's in change of San Francisco's tourist business.

I say this because my friend Pam was here for the weekend, and among all of the "Go see San Francisco" activities we did, one of them was to ride a cable car. And for a while, I was enjoying it. I happily paid my 2 dollars, stood in a line that was so long, my friend had time to run into the Gap, buy a shirt, flirt with the cute Gap salespeople (a mandatory step whenever you shop at the Gap. I believe it's a Federal law that all Gap employees must be young and very attractive. That way, when they ask if you want to buy some really overpriced boxers to go with your jeans, you interpret it as some vague form of flirtation and buy them 'cuz you think this will get you a date. I own 37 pairs.), and make it back in line before we'd even made it to that Central American pan pipe band, (you know the one I'm talking about. They're in every city you go to, and they only song they seem to know is that Simon and Garfunkle "If I Could" song. I have a theory there's only one band and they simply go from one city to another all over the country. But I digress...), and hopped on the cable car.

Public Service Message To Our Readers: Since that last sentence consisted more of tangential asides than it did actual content, let's recap: I was happy to pay 2 bucks to stand in a really long line and ride a cable car. Now back to our regularly-scheduled Dave Barry wanna-be humor.

It was only about halfway through the ride when something struck me. It was a bicycle messenger riding too close. But something else struck me -- I was riding public transportation! That's all a cable car ride really is! I pointed this out to several people around me, but they didn't seem to care. "Maybe," they said, "but it's got an ad for Rice-a-Roni on it! Cool, huh?" (By the way, contrary to what you might hear, Rice-a-Roni is not the San Francisco treat. The real San Francisco treat is this woman who runs a massage place and gives passers-by on the street free sample backrubs. I immediately move we make this woman official Diety of San Francisco.)

This seems like a great scam to me. I think other cities should turn their public transportation into tourist attractions.

New York Tourist #1: Hey, man.... have you ridden the subway yet? Wow! I even got my picture taken with "Panhandler who pretends to have a job and just needs some change to get cleaned up for his first day of work tomorrow"!
New York Tourist #2: Wow... I think next I'm going to see the "New York taxicab with smelly, ill-tempered driver and sticky seats with most of the seatbelts missing." (Author's Note: This is redundant.) Then maybe the Statue of Liberty, if I have time.

And so, I leave this money-making idea available to the public. If some marketing guy wants to try it with their city, please be my guest. Of course, if you end up generating huge amounts of revenue for your area, feel free to show your appreciation. I always accept cash.

Or possibly diamonds. I suggest you go by the "17 years salary and all the money in your savings account" guideline.

Back to the Cron Job home page