Producer's Note: We would like to take this time to thank our loyal readers for staying with Dr. Science Guy throughout this troubled period, what with his divorce and his pet cat killed in that freak washer/dryer accident, and that little incident you might have seen on Hard Copy. We would also like to apologize for our last column, where Dr. Science Guy referred to you as a "A sick group of evil, twisted, bastards." That was a typo. And we would also like to remind you all that in the American justice system, all allegations are assumed false, until proven otherwise in a court of law. Thank you for your patience.
Our first question comes from young Larry Cyril from Baltimore, MD.
Q: Hey, Dr. Science Guy? What makes Rice Krispies go "Snap! Crackle! Pop!"?
A: Well, little boy, inside every Rice Krispie is a group of happy little singing elves. They spend their time dancing and cheering and making toys for all the little children elves. But inside your milk lives swarms of malevolent demons. When you pour milk on your cereal, the demons descend upon the happy little elves and beat them with baseball bats. The sound you hear is the snapping, crackling, and popping of their happy little bones.
Q: Oh, my gosh! That's awful!
A: Yes it is. I don't understand how you can live with yourself. Just think of all those lives you've ruined. You're a very cruel child.
Our next question is from David Green in Amherst, MA.
Q: Dr. Science Guy? How do bats see in the dark?
A: That's a good question, little girl.
Q: Boy.
A: What?
Q: I'm a boy.
A: Excuse me, which one of us is the Science Guy? Are you the Science Guy? No. I am. And until you become a Science Guy and your wife leaves you for some personal trainer who thinks "No Fear" T-shirts are the greatest contribution to Western Civilization, I'll be the authority here. You want to know how a bat sees in the dark? Get in this closet.
Q: Uhhh... okay...
A: Bats find their way around by making small clicking noises and listening to the echos. Why don't you try it? Make a small clicking sound. Can you find your way around now?
Q: Ummm... no.
A: That's right. That's because you're not a bat. You're just a little girl. A very gullible little girl.
Q: I'm a boy.
A: Shut up.
Our third question comes from little Becky Lucas, all the way from London, England.
Q: Dr. Science Guy...
A: Wait a minute. Aren't you the little girl who sat behind me on that 5-hour plane ride?
Q: Uh-huh.
A: The one who was kicking my seat every two seconds for the entire duration of the flight?
Q: Yeah.
A: Little girl, there's only 3 things you need to know:
Ahem. Well. Our final question comes from little Stevie Kabakoff in Pittsburgh, PA.
Q: Dr. Science Guy? I have a stupid question.
A: Now, little Stevie. Our show's motto is, "There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people asking them." So go ahead.
Q: Why do people throw rice at weddings?
A: During weddings, people throw rice at the bride and groom so that all the little birdies can eat them (the rice). Then, the birds drink water, the rice expands in their stomach, and they die a slow and painful death.
Q: That's horrible! Why would anybody do that?
A: Because, little Stevie, that's what marriage is all about. Your stomachs expand and you die a slow and painful death until the mommy bird runs off with an iron-pumping, tank-top-wearing, Bud-Lite-swilling, American-Gladiators-watching, Men's-Health-magazine-reading, guitar-rock-listening, testosterone-laden, ex-frat-boy personal trainer, leaving the daddy bird with alimony payments up his little birdie ass.
Q: Dr. Science Guy? You've got a lot of anger to work out.
A: Go to hell, kid.
Thanks for tuning in to... Ask Dr. Science Guy! Be sure to tune in for our next episode, which should appear at approximately the same time that hell freezes over.
Q: Ummm... hello? Can somebody let me out of the closet now? It's dark in here and I'm hungry and scared. Hellloooo?