Those of you readers in Australia, who probably get to see lots of real tough, manly Olympic events, like "Big Guys Throwing Heavy Things" probably missed the sarcasm in that last comment. So just to fill you in: last week the whole country forgot our own petty problems, personal disputes, and little errands like picking up our children from day-care, as we together shared the emotional trauma of watching Kerri Strug, America's sweetheart of the moment (until we forget all about her in a month because we have the attention span of gnats), attempt to hit puberty sometime before her Senior Prom. I also understand she jumped around a lot.
Now don't get me wrong. I like gymnastics. Seeing as how I didn't hit my growth spurt until... oh... sometime last week, I think it's really cool watching any sport where I would be considered grotesquely tall. I've often toyed with the idea of trying to join the women's gymnastics team just to be rejected for that reason.
Olympic Coach: I'm sorry. You can't join our team. You're just too damn tall.And being the morbid little creatures that we are, we love any sport where there is serious chance of injury. How many times did they show that film clip of the Chinese gymnast smashing her head on the balance beam? Of course, we watched with horror yelling, "That's so awful" while simultaneously scrambling to hit the "record" button on our VCRs so we can watch it later with our friends. ("Hey! If you look closely, you can actually see fluid shoot out of her eyeball! Cool!") We love to see people get hurt. That's pretty much the only reason America's Funniest Home Videos is still on the air. I say they just drop the facade and call it 30 Minutes of Guys Getting Hit in the Testicles.
Me: (Swelling with pride) Really? You really think I'm too tall? Can I get that in writing?
Olympic Coach: Also, you're as graceful as a sloth on roller blades.
Me: Oh... that's not as cool.
Olympic Coach: Also, you have a penis.
And heck, I didn't even mind watching Rhythmic Gymnastics (also known as "Gymnasts Playing With Balls"). It was kind of like watching a Harlem Globetrotters game, except maybe if the Harlem Globetrotters had skimpier outfits. And were the size of an ordinary housecat. And were women. And didn't actually play basketball. Okay, so it's nothing like a Harlem Globetrotters game at all. So sue me.
(Okay, on a little nostalgia-trip aside here, does anybody remember the Harlem Globetrotters Saturday-morning cartoon? The plot was always the same: The Globetrotters, after losing badly during the first half, would transform into superheros with magical powers during halftime to win the game. One guy was really stretchy and made out of rubber, and one guy's super power, and I swear I am not making this up, was being able to pull ordinary household objects out of his afro. Could someone please confirm this for me, because otherwise, I'm beginning to suspect that my parents were slipping something into my Cheerios. But I digress...)
But what really bothered me were these John Tesh-narrated "Triumph of the Human Spirit" kind of stories. Why is it every athlete has to overcome some horrible personal tragedy? Didn't any of them live normal lives? Maybe this was a criteria for making the team. ("I'm sorry Jen, you're a great gymnast, but nobody in your family has died recently. Do you think you could maybe pick up a substance abuse problem?") Sometimes I think the TV people are just making stuff up for the purposes of drama.
John Tesh: Nadine seemed like any other girl. Happy, outgoing, a real performer. Until the day tragedy struck, and she found out she needed a retainer. Now, she alone must face the challenge of recovery, of survival, of taking the thing out during lunch while grossing out everybody else at the lunch table. Buy my new album.I mean, with all the attention surrounding gymnastics, I almost missed coverage of my favorite sport. I am, of course, talking about synchronized swimming. This is a sport where, as far as I can tell, the goal is to wear more makeup than your competitors without developing some kind of toxic reaction.
Color commentator #1: That was an excellent performance by the American team, demonstrating the use of applying so much makeup that none of their skin actually got wet. I'm sure that will impress the judges.Although I have to say that as goofy as a sport synchronized swimming might be, at least it's a little more interesting than all the swimming races.
Color commentator #2: Here we have the French competitor, Dominique Guillard, weighing in at 130 pounds; 105 without the blush and eyeshadow.
Color commentator #1: Ooh! And it looks like Dominique hit a major snag as her skin actually tried to crawl off of her face! That's gotta hurt!
Color commentator #2: It's not a pretty sight. Let's show it 45 more times in instant replays.
Commentator #1: What do you think Joan's strategy will be this time, Bob?I think there are some things we could do to make the Olympic games a little more exciting. For example, we could turn them into full-contact sports, much like figure skating was in the last Winter Olympics. Or maybe we could just let the American Gladiators take over all the events.
Commentator #2: Uh... I think she's going to try to swim faster than her opponents.
Commentator #1: An interesting gamble. Let's see if it pays off.
John Tesh: Have I mentioned I have a new album out?
Commentator #1: That was an excellent dismount by the Russian gymnast, but can she get by Nitro?Personally, I think that would be a lot more exciting than just hurling around large shot puts. Unless, of course, they were hurled in the general direction of John Tesh.
Gymnast: Eek! (Crunch)