Cron Job #28

Quick Update of my Life

Hi, folks! Well, I guess it's been about a month since my last Cron Job. It's at times like this that I wish I were some famous and prestigious writer because then I could say I went "on sabbatical" and you'd think I went off to learn the meaning of life or something while the rest of you were watching reruns of that show with Urkel in it. But since I'm not famous, it's just called "blowing off my work".

Actually, that's not totally true. I've been pretty busy the past few weeks dealing with a few semi-important changes in my life.

For one thing, I've finally ditched my semi-crazy roommates (I used the method of shouting 'Hey! Look out behind you!' and then running away) and found myself a new place with a couple of med students. For the most part they're really cool, except when they bring their work home with them.

Me: Auuuuggghhgh!! Okay, who put the cadaver in the fridge?
Roommate: Oh, sorry. He'll just be there for a day or two.
Me: Yeah, well, he's dripping formaldehyde in my Kung Pao Chicken.
The place is conveniently located close to San Francisco's Golden Gate Park, which today has lots of signs up advertising the Psychic Fair. I suppose that's nice and all, but if it were a real psychic fair, would they really need signs? Wouldn't everybody already know where it is? Just a thought. The point being it's a pretty nice apartment, although not quite as cool as the house in The Real World, a show that, if nothing else, has taught me that all the boring, tedious moments of my life would be much more interesting if I added a hip 90's alternative soundtrack to them. (That guy walking through the grocery store, dragging behind him the stereo system playing Weezer? That's me.)

The move itself went okay, except that all of my friends, using their unique ability to sense when I need help, all decided to take weekend trips the exact same time I was moving.

Me: Hey, wanna help me move on Saturday?
Friend: Gosh, sorry... I'm going to Palo Alto this weekend.
Me: Oh. Wait a sec. Don't you live in Palo Alto?
Friend: Uhhh... yeah. I save on hotel fare that way.
But I decided that dealing with the turmoil of a move just wasn't enough stress in my life. So I also changed jobs. I gave my manager at Oracle two weeks notice, to which he pointed out that I'd miss our semi-annual bonus by 5 days. So I gave him 3 weeks notice. After that, he pointed out that I'd miss our next semi-annual notice by 6 months and 5 days, to which I told him not to push his luck. So now I'm off working at a computer game company, which is much more fun. The best part about it is that I can play Quake all day and it's considered "competitive review."

And so it's at this time, when I'm switching jobs and moving apartments, that my mom and my sister decided to visit. They conveniently chose to arrive a couple of days after I moved apartments. I think they were off with the rest of my friends at some big "We're not helping Todd move" party or something.

My mom: So,. where did you tell Todd you'd be this weekend?
Friend: I said I went camping.
Everybody: Hahahahahaha! Let's order some more champagne!
But it was nice to see them anyway. And I don't mean just because they paid for dinner. They also paid for parking, too.

So let's review my schedule so far:

"Well," you're probably saying, "that's a pretty busy week. But wouldn't it be cool; wouldn't it be so much more exciting if your car broke down that week too?"

Well, I couldn't agree more, assuming I were some miserable jerk who takes delight in the misery of others and pulls the wings off of flies or something. So I decided to let all the coolant leak out of my car and onto the floormats. By the way, let me just say that there's nothing like coolant to fill your car with that lovely lemon-fresh, dead-fish smell to attract babes.

(Note my girlfriend who is currently reading this column: Not like I'm looking to attract babes! You're the only one for me, honey! Ha ha! Please don't hurt me!)

Luckily, a mechanic fixed my problem for about $20, which leads me to believe that he must have been the new guy. So for the most part, everything worked out nicely in the end. The family visit went well, the new job is going great (I've reached the 15th mission of Command and Conquer), and the new roommates are very cool. And I'm not just saying that because they could dump ebola culture on my toothbrush when I'm not looking.

So it looks like I'll finally be getting back to my regular Cron Job schedule of "whenever the hell I feel like it." Thanks for your patience, and be sure to check back at my web page next week.

No, there probably won't be anything new. I just wanted to keep my hit count up.

Cron Job is a more-or-less weekly column by Todd Kerpelman at www.kerp.net/cronjob/ Send comments, and questions to todd@kerp.net, as long as you don't ask me to help you move.

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