No, I'm not talking about Microsoft. Or even Nancy Reagan. I'm talking about Satan, of course. This recently came to my attention in a newsletter I saw that suggested those of us in the computer game business might be encouraging Satan worship. After all, it says, consider that many games these days reward you for casting magic spells, like lightning bolts and fireballs. Could this not encourage an interest in the occult and Satan worship? (Really. That's what it said.)

Well, this worried me. Okay, sure, reality would probably discourage kids pretty quickly as they find out that the only method readily available for casting fireballs from their hands involves dousing themselves in lighter fluid. But what if it were true? What if we really were working for the devil and didn't know it? More importantly, if we were working for the Prince of Darkness, couldn't he do something about our stock price?

Well, the first thing I did was run out and look for signs of evil in my co-workers. For example, schedules like:

• 9:00 - Breakfast / ritual sacrifice. Don't forget donuts for the gang!
• 10:30 - Corrupt America's youth.
• 12:00 - Lunch w/ Beelzebub (Note: Do not order angel food cake for dessert. He hates that!)
• 1:45 - Workshop: "Using shape-shifting to hide that ugly cellulite!"
• 3:00 - Panel Discussion: Subliminal messages in records -- It might work, but do we really want to be recruiting Winger fans?
• 5:00 - Remember to rent Pauly Shore movies on the way home

So, relieved, I got back to work. But it got me wondering: what if some of you are servants to the forces of evil and don't even know it? What if you actually grew up in the noxious, demon-filled, fiery caves of Hell and just assumed it was Washington D.C.? So, as a public service to my readers, I dug through some back issues of Cosmopolitan magazine and found that one rare issue where the cover model was not wearing an outfit that showed off her breasts (which probably explains why you've never seen it). And there, in between the two articles, "How many times can we talk about sex and still portray ourselves as legitimate literature?" and "Are you so insecure in your self image that you'll base it around something you read in a magazine? A self-test" I found this little article. So, if you're wondering if you're evil, take this quiz and find out...

1. When driving, what is the best way to check your blind spots?
a) Check side mirrors - 1 point
b) Install extra-wide rear view mirrors - 1 point
c) Rotate head 360 degrees - 5 points

2. "A laugh a minute! Zany slapstick at its best!" best describes...
a) Modern Times, starring Charlie Chaplin - 1 point
b) Disorderlies, starring the Fat Boys - 3 points
c) Schindler's List - 10 points

3. Are you the inspiration for any of the following bands? (Check all that apply)
a) Cole Porter - 1 point
b) Metallica - 5 points
c) Megadeath - 10 points
d) Iron Maiden - 15 points
e) John Tesh - 30 points

4. Are you that jerk-face who tailgated me for five miles, then finally drove into oncoming traffic, almost killing yourself in the process, to pass me just so that you could wait at the stoplight with me directly behind you?
a) No - 1 point
b) Yes - 80 gazillion points

5. Who is your favorite Smurf?
a) Papa Smurf - 2 points
b) Brainy Smurf - 4 points
c) Blasphemer Smurf - 10 points
d) Ebola Smurf - 15 points

6. Are you currently in grades 7-9?
a) No - 1 point
b) Yes - 5 points
c) Worse. I'm an extremely bitter grad student. - 10 points

7. What is your favorite air-freshener scent?
a) Pine - 1 point
b) Potpourri - 3 points
c) Brimstone - 10 points

8. You see a man park his car in a handicapped spot, then lightly spring away from his car. What do you do to correct the situation?
a) Point out to him that he is parked in a handicapped zone and he really should reserve the space for somebody who really needs it - 1 point
b) Nothing; it's not your problem - 5 points
c) Break his legs - 1 point (Note: This would normally be worth 20 points, except that I thought it was pretty cool.)

9. How many times did the word "disgruntled" appear in your last employee evaluation?
a) Less than five - 1 point
b) Five or more - 5 points
c) Actually, that was my entire evaluation - 15 points

10. The practice of sticking shards of bamboo under somebody's fingernails is considered...
a) Inhumane and an intolerable act of cruelty - 1 point
b) Appropriate only in extreme circumstances - 3 points
c) Foreplay - 10 points

Scoring: Add up the total points received for your answers above and compare them to our ratings below:
0 - 15 points: You are a totally good and virtuous person. Everyone else hates you.
15 - 50 points: You probably sneak 13 items in the "12 items or less" line at the supermarket.
51 - 100 points: You have a promising future in the tobacco industry.
Over 100 points: Hey, wow! Kathie Lee Gifford is checking out my web page!

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