My flight to Las Vegas went okay. I flew Southwest Airlines, an airline that specializes in no frills and zany employees with a wacky sense of humor.
Stewardess: And if we lose cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Should you require assistance, don't call us. We'll be saving our own asses, thanks.The first thing I noticed when I arrived in Las Vegas was how everything there was featuring, "Special Comdex pricing." The same sort of way you might say that Rodney King received "Special Comdex treatment" from the L.A.P.D. But I didn't really have time to take advantage of many of these special deals because I was too busy participating in the main reason we were all attending this conference: Finding all the free junk. It's a curious habit of computer executives that, in spite of the fact that many of them are making six-figure salaries, most of them would push orphans into oncoming traffic if it meant they could get a free Yo-yo out of it.
Passengers: Uhh...
Steward: Ha ha! We're just being wacky and zany, folks! Don't worry. Everything on this plane has been carefully inspected by ValuJet employees.
Passengers: Can we change flights?
Stewardess: No.
The other rule of computer executives is that they are inevitably drawn towards attractive women. So in much the same way that some fish will use lights to lure smaller fish to their death, booths at Comdex will have attractive women from the marketing department on the perimeter in order to draw hapless executives in. After which they're stuck talking to dopey guys like me.
Attractive woman at booth: Hey, there. Would you like to hear more about a new process for shrink-wrapping CDs?On the way back to the hotel, a man handed me a pamphlet. I assumed it was just your average religious publication telling me I was going to Hell. (Just once, I'd like to get an upbeat religious pamphlet. "Hey! You're doing great! Keep being nice to people!") But then I opened it up and saw it was full of half-naked women, which made me wonder exactly what religion this was, and what their sermons were like. ("Thank you, Sister Nicole-Smith. Now, the cast members of Baywatch will lead us in this week's hymn, 'Baby Got Back.'") But upon closer look, I saw many of the pictures were actually advertising "Exxxotic room service." So I called one of them up.
Computer exec: I'd like nothing better, cutie.
Attractive woman at booth: Good. Go talk to that guy with the greasy hair and the Star Trek insignia pinned to his shirt.
Computer exec: But...
Attractive woman at booth: Hey... you weren't just talking to me because, through some twisted logic of yours, you thought you could get a date by pretending to be interested in a new way to shrink-wrap CDs, were you?
Computer exec: Ummm... no.
Attractive woman at booth: Good. The presentation should only last three hours.
Computer exec: Awwwww....
Woman's voice: Hi. This is Shawna.I also gambled a little bit, and won 40 dollars in blackjack, which was a traumatic experience for me. You see, before leaving for Las Vegas, I decided to get a feel for the place by renting Casino, a movie where Joe Pesci punishes a cheater by smashing all his fingers with a ball-peen hammer. (And then, in a particular act of cruelty, forces him to watch Home Alone II.) So I tried to do everything in my power to make sure that under no circumstances would the casino even suspect me of cheating.
Me: Hi, Shawna. Your advertisement here says you do exotic room service. What does that mean?
Woman's voice: Baby, it means I'll do everything your regular housekeeping doesn't do. (I think she also said something about "spit-polishing" but I don't quite remember.)
Me: Really? Wow. Listen... I'm a little embarrassed to ask this...
Woman's voice: It's okay. Go on...
Me: Can you put one of those little "Sanitized" paper thingies across my toilet? They don't do that at this hotel.
Woman's voice: Uh, kid, I think you're missing the point here.
Me: Oh, and you spelled "exotic" wrong. It only has one X.
Woman's voice: (Click.)
Dealer: Congratulations, sir. You won.At this point, I started sobbing like a baby. I then got dangerously drunk on the hopes that this would prove endearing to women who look like Elizabeth Shue. I'm beginning to suspect that maybe movies aren't my best source of travel information.
Me: Umm... are you sure? You can have my money, anyway.
Dealer: I have 25, sir. I'm busted. You won.
Me: Oh yeah, well I want another hit!
Dealer: You can't have another hit. Now take your damn money.
At the same time Comdex was going on, the adult entertainment industry was sponsoring their own convention called AdultDex, featuring the newest in adult entertainment. I, unfortunately, didn't make it to AdultDex. Mostly because I didn't want to deal with the mutual embarrassment of running into somebody I knew there.
Friend: Todd? Hey, what are you doing here?Anyway, my last day there, Las Vegas flooded. You see, Las Vegas is built in the middle of a desert (I think "Las Vegas" translates into "You're building a city here? Hahahahahahahaha!!") and it doesn't normally get much rainfall, so they never bothered to put in a drainage system. But I made it back to the airport in the nick of time, and one zany fun-filled Southwest flight back ("And in the event of a crash landing... you're all gonna die! Hahaha! Ma'am, stay in your seat or I'll have to use the tazer on you.") I made it back to San Francisco in one piece.
Me: Me? Uhhh... well... I was... er... I was looking for the Sigfreid and Roy show! Yeah, that's it! Oh, that must be them over there.
Friend: (Pause) Why is Sigfreid bent over?
So that was my trip to Comdex. I actually had a really good time, and would recommend it to anybody who can convince their company to cover expenses. If not for the cool new stuff they're showing, because it is the only time you can make a COBOL joke1 and you won't get stuffed in a locker.