While televised chess tournaments still rate big with certain demographic groups, such as "Guys who need to find something intellectual on the TV before dates come over" and "People who fall asleep in front of the TV after re-runs of M*A*S*H," chess has slowly been declining in popularity among the Generation X group, believed by many to be the future of televised chess.
"We're afraid these angry, cynical 20-somethings are just too disillusioned to be interested in such a symbol of the establishment as chess," stated National Chess Board spokesperson Molly Higgins in a recent press conference. "Oh yeah, and there's also that part about it being boring as toast."
Chess promoters across the world, not to take this crisis lying down, have worked on ways to make the sport more exciting again. "We're working on two rules to make the game a little more free form," said Richard Keunzler, chairman of NOPWLTSOCWBA. (National Organization of People Who Like To Serve On Committees With Big Acronyms) "First, we are greatly relaxing the restrictions on en passant, And secondly, when you capture a piece, you can clock your opponent with it." Various PR agencies have introduced new slogans, such as "Chess: It ain't as goofy looking as curling" and "Chess: Now much more exciting than toast!"
The National Toast Anti-Defamation League has launched a formal protest. "Actually, we think toast is quite interesting," Toast spokesperson Greg Raskin wrote in his protest letter. "I mean, you can put jam, butter, or even peanut butter on it. Try doing that with a chess piece. You just end up with a sticky mess."
The 30-second spot starts off with black-and-white footage of a young child buying a newspaper at a local newsstand. An off-screen narrator says, "Back when I was a kid, when I wanted the world's information at my fingertips, I had to go to pick up a paper." As the child starts to run away from the newsstand with a small magazine tucked under his arm, the narrator continues, "And only if you were really lucky, and real fast, were you able to steal any dirty magazines."
The dissolves to a modern-day classroom, with fifteen boys all crowded around a small computer screen. "These days," the narrator says, "with the Internet, we can get news, information, and thousands upon thousands of big-breasted women at our fingertips. We're talking women who are wearin' nothing, and you can can see, like, totally everything. It's pretty cool. Oh yeah, and there's naked guys, too, if you're into that sorta stuff."
The image fades to black, while the company slogan appears on the screen, "MCI: We bring you the world, and a shitload of porn."
Stations refusing to air the 30-second spot have stated that they lead to the corruption of America's youth. "We refused to let MCI promote the fact that they can let you download porn," KRIE station manager Tom Lorek said. "At least, not until they show us first. What's up with these newsgroups? I'm too embarrassed to ask my own kid for help."
Other station managers refused to comment, saying that they "were in the bathroom" when we called.
"I think the education of children today should be our number one priority," President Clinton said. "And if we can raise their test scores and give them a brighter future by removing some of those harder-to-spell states, so much the better."
The banished states were reported to be "kinda annoyed" at the announcement, but President Clinton was unmoved. "It's their own damn fault," the president said. "What the hell is that extra C doing in Connecticut anyway? They really oughta be spelling it 'Conneticut.' And besides, what are they going to do about it? Have you seen those states? They're so tiny! In fact, I think I'm going to declare myself King of Rhode Island."
Clinton defended his actions, pointing to the jump in test scores after the offending states were removed from the list. "Check it out," Clinton said to reporters. "The number of misspellings has gone down drastically. Now we just have to get kids to stop listing Canada as a U.S. State. I mean, I think, technically speaking, they might have some autonomy. I'll have to look into it."
Clinton's move was strongly supported by the Republican-controlled congress, especially after Massachusetts and Connecticut members of Congress were drugged and locked in a storage closet. ("I thought Ted Kennedy would be easy to move, since he was already unconscious when we found him." remarked Senator Arlen Specter. "But Jesus, that guy must weigh three-quarters of a Limbaugh!")
The government has other dramatic plans to improve student test scores, including shipping all the dumb kids out of the country. ("We'll probably ship 'em to Japan, to try and mess up their scores," said Phil Gramm.) And historical figures will henceforth be named O.J.
"I think it's great we've got a bi-partisan government working together to improve education in this country. And I'm proud to be a part of it," said official White House Senior Advisor and Pretty Boy, O.J. Stephanopoulos.