But those of you parents who don't think your child should know anything at all about masturbation... I suggest you go have your child look at a Doom home page or something. I also suggest you leave your Magical World of Make Believe with Friendly Dancing Pixies and join us here on planet Earth. Because your child has already learned everything there is to know about masturbation. It's something we all pick up on pretty early in childhood -- I think they teach it to us on one of those educational PBS shows when parents aren't looking. I mean, consider these facts... 1) No parent in America has ever sat through an entire episode of Barney. 2) Kids watch it religiously. Ever wonder if there's something they know that you don't? Think about it.
And finally, all of you Prodigy users don't even have to worry about this. I'm sure Prodigy has already censored this article, and probably my entire web site, just to make sure.
So with that out of the way, I thought I'd let you know that a woman called me up last night and asked me if I wanted to masturbate with her over the phone. Yes, I'm quite serious. It started off innocently enough -- she asked me if I was alone, if I was in bed, and what I was wearing. I figured she was a telemarketer. Telemarketers, as you know, have to call when they know you're at home. 2:30 in the morning was probably a safe bet. It's either that or dinnertime. They love to call at dinnertime, because they know that you'll be home. Of course, the fact that you're actually eating dinner doesn't faze them at all...
Telemarketer: How are you doing this evening, Mr... Umm... (at this point they suddenly realize they don't know how to pronounce "Kerpelman" so they just mumble something far away from the phone and hope it sounds vaguely close.)But I digress. I was talking about my mystery caller who then asked me how large my penis was. At this point, I asked myself what exactly she was selling. ("Well, congratulations, sir. Your penis is large enough to qualify for the American Express Optima card! Is it okay if I sign you up?") I, of course, made something up. No man in the world has ever told the truth about his penis size. I believe the phrase "Down to my knees" was used at some point.Me: Actually, I'm eating.
Telemarketer: Good! So I'm sure you're thinking about ways to make your house more energy efficient!
Me: No, I was thinking about dinner.
Telemarketer: Good! Because we have a special offer for those of our customers who have food in their mouth at this moment!
Me: Is this the same offer as the one for customers who don't have food in their mouth?
Telemarketer: (Pause) You know, that's never come up.
It's here that she asked me if I wanted have sex with her over the phone and masturbate. Now, I realize that I would essentially have gotten phone sex for free, which sounds like a great deal, considering normally it would cost as much as, say, a small Carribean island. So part of me, the part of me that goes out and buys stuff just because I have a coupon for it ("Whoa! $.75 off Metamucil!"), tells me that this is a great bargain. But the rest of me was saying, "It's 2:30 in the morning." So I went to bed.
Although, I have to admit, I've never engaged in phone sex, and the whole concept seems kind of silly. Here you are getting off by listening to somebody pretend to have sex with you. Where else can that apply in real life? I mean, you don't go around having phone surgery, where you feel better by talking to doctors who are pretending to operate on you.
But I think part of me was afraid that I was being set up. Maybe I'm paranoid because I've been reading The Firm. (Okay, okay, it's one of those audio books on tape, but it still counts as a book and I'm very defensive about it. And I'm certainly not going to go around saying, "I had somebody read The Firm to me." And who the hell are you to judge? You probably only saw the movie.)
But remember when Tom Cruise... I mean, Marty... fooled around with that hot woman on Grand Cayman Island? And it turned out that it was all being taped by the firm for blackmail purposes? Well, the same thing could have been happening to me. Years from now, when I want to be president or something, a couple of guys could pop up and reveal to the world, "Hey! We thought you should hear this guy having phone sex. Okay, sure, it's not like he did anything illegal, but boy does he sound goofy! We've heard dying pheasants that sound more graceful than this."
I guess maybe that's my big fear. Not that I would be blackmailed later, but that I would just sound so dumb that she'd laugh at me. I mean, if you're not good in bed in real life, you can go see a therapist or take some pills or something. But if you suck (oops... bad choice of words) over the phone, there's not much hope for you; you're screwed. (Umm... another bad choice of words)
Anyway, after I declined, she said she'd call me back the next day when I was more in the mood. As it turns out, she never called back. So I've essentially engaged in phone-being-stood-up. And heck, there's no way I'm going to go around paying for that when I can get it for free.