No, wait. I'm sorry. That was a cheap shot.
Actually, the six dollar vaccination was a cheap shot. Making fun of O.J. is just plain overdone.
But anyway, the cool thing about getting a flu shot is that I won't get the flu this year, which is more or less a good thing. Except that there are some big advantages to getting sick -- people often cook you meals, when somebody really pisses you off, you can sneeze on them, and most importantly, when somebody asks "How are you?" they actually care about your answer.
This is a nice contrast to when you're healthy. As you know, greetings directed towards a healthy person consist of 1 of 2 possibilities: "What's up?" and "How's it going?" There is only one correct response to each: "Not much" and "Pretty good." Under no circumstances do people actually want to hear how your life is going. Old people sometimes forget this. If you ask an old person how they're doing, they'll immediately tell you all about their bladder problems. Old men will also give you the latest news about their prostate. Old people's lives are generally centered around urine issues. A network could easily make an entire show that consisted purely of bladder jokes, and it would be an instant hit among old people. Oh, wait. They already did that. It was called The Golden Girls.
Of course, sometimes you make the mistake of confusing the two greetings, which makes you look really stupid:
Friend: Hey. How's it going?And there's also the timing issue involved with greetings. If you see somebody walking your way and you say hi to them too early, you've got that awkward pause afterwards until you actually pass each other
You: Not much.
Friend: (Pause) You're an idiot.
Friend (from far away): What's up?As you've probably learned, the correct method of saying hi to somebody as you walk by them is to pretend you don't notice them until the very last minute.
You: Not much.
(Awful silence as the two of you keep walking towards each other.)
Friend: Did I already ask what's up?
You: Go to hell.
You: (Really, absolutely fascinated by this spot on the ground that you've never noticed before)Naturally, a lot of this only applies the first time you see somebody in the hall that day. The second time, you should only do that "mutual smile' thing (also acceptable is making a "Hey, you following me?" crack.) But God help you if you run into each other a third time -- both of you should avoid any sort of eye contact whatsoever. You either have to pretend you don't see each other or do something more drastic.
Friend: Hey.
You: (Suddenly looking up as though their existence in this small hallway is a total surprise to you.) Oh! Hey! What's up?
You: (Seeing your friend coming down the hallway for the fifth time that day and you've already stretched the "Stop following me!" jokes as far as they can go) Auuuggghhhh! (Quickly run into a nearby storage closet.) Pant... pant... pant... Hey, what are you doing here?Anyway, it looks like I'll have to go through that whole "What's up?" procedure seeing as how I won't get the flu and nobody will really care how I am. But on the bright side, I'll be active and healthy for the entire winter!
Friend: I ran in here to avoid you.
You: Idiot! I ran in here to avoid you!
Friend: Oh. So... what's up?
You: (Shrug) Not much.
Assuming, of course, that O.J. doesn't read this column.