Isn't it nice to feel wanted?
Actually, I have to admit that as methods of persuasion go, this really wasn't very good. Usually death threats are in the "Con" column of a roommate Pro/Con list, right up there with "Borrowing your toothbrush to clean his shoes."
I'm not too scared that my roommate will actually kill me. Making threats is his way of being funny. He'll joke about smashing my computer, or giving all my stuff away to homeless people on the street (not that your average homeless person is going to particularly need a coffee table, but it's the thought that counts). Isn't that a hoot? Isn't that the fun, wacky, first impression you love to get from a total stranger you've decided to live with?
I dunno. I suppose I'm being too uptight. But I met the guys I'm living with through a roommate referral service, and I've been thinking about how bizarre the whole situation actually is. I mean, you're willing to do things you'd never normally do with a stranger.
Perfect stranger: Hi. I'm a perfect stranger, but would you mind if I borrow some of your clothing?So that's how I met these guys. Actually, they're quite interesting people -- folks who could give me great writing material for months to come. One of them is absolutely convinced that the government is involved in a big UFO cover-up conspiracy. Personally, I have to say that I'm a little skeptical when it comes to big conspiracies. Our government isn't organized enough to manage a pot-luck dinner, much less a big cover up.
You: Uhh... actually... yeah. I would mind.
Perfect stranger: Okay. Then how about if I live with you for several months and share the same bathroom, kitchen, and common areas? We could get a VCR and watch Single White Female and Shallow Grave together.
You: Sure! Come on over!
Sen. Lieberman: You mean we've got 120 bowls of pasta sala and nobody brought a soft drink?!?But, as my roommate points out, how else can you explain cow mutilations? Apparently, there are some farms out in the midwest where cows have had their genetalia removed. He thinks this is the work of aliens. If so, these are clearly the dumbest aliens ever to land in some inbred redneck's backyard.
Sen. Kennedy: Well, I brought a fifth of scotch... actually, it's about a tenth of scotch now...
Sen. Dole: This is clearly the president's fault. We had a dinner plan. We had a plan that worked, but he vetoed it. Okay, sure, we were planning on stealing the food from the McCarthy-Towne Elementary School cafeteria, but that worked for me...
Sen. Thurmond: Where the hell am I?
Follow me on this one here... we have a civilization that has mastered the art of faster-than-light travel, has built a spaceship capable of traveling from some faraway place into our atmosphere, take off again and head home (probably without refuelling), and what do they do when they land? Do they make contact with our dominant life form? Do they try to set up diplomatic relations? No, they find a cow. And they don't just take an entire, living cow to study. They just cut off its genitals and leave.
Now, maybe I'm missing something here, but I really can't believe that cow genetalia plays a significant role in an alien society. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe cow genitals are, like, souvenirs to these aliens. Maybe on every cow ovary, in secret alien writing, are the words, "My mom and dad went to Earth and all they brought me back was some lousy cow genetalia." But it seems to me, creatures from such an advanced civilization would want to take something a little more interesting back home with them.
And if so, I have a roommate I might be willing to donate.