So I was recently speaking with a friend who works at a PR firm.

If you haven't had a lot of experience with PR firms, they're basically companies that you pay to be your friend. You remember those movies from the 80's where, like, the total loser kid at school pays one of the popular kids to pretend to be his friend? And after a few days of this, all the other kids would start to think that the loser kid must be cool after all? (I think there was an episode of Square Pegs like this, too.) Well, that's basically what PR firms do.

They're companies that are staffed by all the kids who were popular in high school: cute cheerleaders, guys who were quarterbacks of their football team, and that one dude who had a really big house and whose parents took off on vacation every other week, so that's where all the parties were.⁽¹⁾ So the idea is you pay them to be your friend. Then they go around telling all the other companies they know how great you are. "Hey, have you heard about Pogo?" they'll say. "Pogo's so cool. And I hear they're a really good kisser, too." Eventually, all the other companies start believing the PR people and they invite your company to parties where you play games like spin-the-bottle or pin-the-blame-on-the-corporate-scapegoat.⁽²⁾

Well, okay, maybe the metaphor's breaking down a bit, but I think you get my drift. The idea is that PR agencies try to make other people like your company. And I've found out one way they do this by giving stuff away to movie stars. So, for example, I hear that Liz Hurley's just had a baby boy. Which means she's probably going to get a bunch of free stuff from, like, Baby Gap and Pampers. Then later on, after the paparazzi have taken photos, you'll open up People magazine and see pictures of Liz Hurley and the baby wearing stuff from Baby Gap and Pampers (the baby, that is, not Liz.)

All of which is fine and dandy, but I'm thinking, Liz Hurley's not doing too shabby financially speaking. She can probably afford to shop at Baby Gap -- even at Baby Banana Republic -- without plunging the Hurley empire into debt. What about all the needy people out there who could really use free stuff?

No, wait, on second thought, forget the needy people⁽³⁾. What about me? I want free stuff! Sure, I'm not quite as glamorous as Liz Hurley, and I'll admit I don't look nearly as good in a dress with a plunging neckline. (I think it's the chest hair that ruins the look.) But I can fake a British accent. And besides, the Funny Pages has millions of readers! Or, thousands, anyway. Well, at the very least, I know my mom reads it. (Hi, mom.) And based on my extensive readership poll of asking my mom, I can safely say that 100% of our readers would be more inclined to purchase a product if they saw it in the Funny Pages. 100% of our readers are also wondering when I'm going to find a nice girl and settle down. 100% of our readers then added not to use that tone of voice with them, they're just saying it would be nice to see some grandkids, that's all.

So here's my proposal to all you PR, marketing, or advertising agencies out there: Send us free stuff. I don't care what it is or if it's anything we'd actually use in normal life -- maternity clothing, 8-tracks, hair-removal products -- if you send it to us, we'll try our best to use it. (Maybe for its intended use, maybe not.) Better yet, we'll take photographs of ourselves using it, and include it in some feature at some point in the future along with a nice product plug.

Yes, I'm totally serious. We want free stuff, and we're not afraid to pimp ourselves out to do it, because, frankly... nobody expects anything more from us.

Hey, speaking of shameless plugs, enjoy this week's Broken English Musical Challenge. It's pretty fun... plus, we got a chance to use the word "buttocks," which makes us giggle. We're pretty immature that way. We've also got the results from last week's caption contest, so check those out.

Liza Minnelli update Well, it's been two weeks since we sent Liza Minnelli her wedding gift, and we still haven't heard anything back in the way of a thank-you card or letter. I think the problem might be she doesn't have our address, so even if she did want to send us something, she couldn't. So if any of you happen to know Liza Minnelli, could you please send her our way? Thanks.

The fine print on the whole "give us free stuff" offer: