Hello and welcome to another week of the Pogo Shtick Funny Pages (official motto: "We're a lot funnier if you've been drinking"). We're pleased to announce that since we've relaunched with all our new content, our readership has jumped about 900% in the last month. If these trends continue (and I don't see why not), then by the end of the year, we'll have approximately 8 billion readers. That may be surprising, given that there are only about 6 billion people in the world right now, so I think it's safe to assume that one of three things will happen:

1. Barry White, using a network of global satellites, decides to hold a concert on every radio and television set in the world, leading to billions of couples "getting it on".
2. Space aliens, while doing research for an upcoming invasion of the planet, will tap into the Internet. They'll consequently waste all their time on sites such as Pogo and, ya know, that one about mullet hairdos, and never get around to planning any sort of invasion.

   Evil alien overlord: Bazdoph! Have you worked out our invasion strategy yet for taking over the Earth?
   Bazdoph: Hang on, just one more game of Poppit! and then I'll get started.
   Evil alien overlord: You said that five games ago.
   Other evil alien: Hey, check it out! Here's a web page with rumors about the next Spiderman movie!
   Evil alien overlord: Ooh! Ooh! Let me see!

3. All the world's rodents (which, according to my extensive calculations⁽¹⁾ number about 3 billion) evolve into highly intelligent super beings that will eventually take over the world.

I think I can say with a reasonable degree of certainty that the third option is the most likely. All the world's hamsters are probably pretty ticked off at having to spend their time using a bunch of woodchips as their bathroom. (I mean, heck, I don't even like it when my roommate buys the cheap toilet paper.) And so it's only a matter of time before, employing massive armies of hamsters in those plastic traveling balls, rodents take over the world and enslave all the humans.

A giant hamster warrior begins its deadly assault on downtown San Francisco

Now personally, I've got special insight into the minds of rodents, after dealing with this one particular salesman at my local electronics store⁽²⁾. Also, both my sister and I have owned hamsters at one point or another. And we've been through the extensive Five Stages of Hamster Ownership...

1. "Awww! Isn't he da cutest thing? Yes he is! Yes he is! He's such a cute little fella!"
   
2. "Ummm... so, does he do anything besides sleep and poop?"
   
3. "Ow! The darned thing bit me!"
   
4. A bit of renewed interest when you find out your friend Katia is afraid of hamsters. (Your experience may vary)
   
5. "So... uh... anybody want to buy a pet hamster?"

Using my insight as a former rodent owner, I'm guessing these little guys will want to start with a little poetic justice. After generations of being kept in cages, they'll probably do the same to us. We'll have to spend all our days in a tiny, cramped space, with nothing to keep us entertained but an exercise wheel and occasional snack pellets. Actually, now that I think about it, that's not really all that different than the cubicle I've gotta work in now now. In fact, I'm thinking the addition of an exercise wheel would be a big step up. Especially if I start eating too many snack pellets.

So in some ways, I'm looking forward to having the rodents take over. And I've decided to start getting on their good side by interviewing the gophers that make up our hard-working Word Whomp staff. They're fairly bright guys, given that after being hit on the head several thousand times a day, I wouldn't be able to string together two words, much less spell anything. And we love them dearly because they haven't sued us for any job-related injuries.

Also this week, we've also got a new Caption Contest going on. This one features a skunk, which will help round out our "little furry animals" theme this week. Check it out, and send us your funniest captions. We'd love to hear 'em. And remember, any time you want to send us feedback about the Funny Pages, just send us some email. We'd be real glad to hear from ya. Unless you're sending us bad feedback, in which case we're only sorta-glad to hear from you.

And to any super-evolved rodents that might be reading, I'd just like to point out that I've always got a supply of delicious snack sticks handy. Is somebody hungwy for a snack stick? Yes you are! Yes you are!