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Ever crashed a wedding before? Well, neither have we. But we saw it once in the movie Go and it seemed really fun. So that's why we decided it's time to finally pay a visit to...
The Liza Minnelli Wedding!
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again. Then give it a rest for a couple of decades, then give it one more try." Yes, we've all heard those famous words, and nobody demonstrates that can-do spirit better than Liza Minnelli, who recently got married for the fourth time to David Gest(1). David Gest, as you're probably aware, is best known as "The guy who just married Liza Minnelli." But I heard he's also a producer of some sort.
Anyway, like I was saying, they just recently got married at a small, intimate, ceremony in the middle of New York City with 1500 of their closest friends. The guest list was quite impressive: Sir Duke Anthony Hopkins was there, Natalie Cole sang "Unforgettable" for them, and even Tito Jackson took time out of his busy schedule to swing by. (Yeah! Tito!) But somehow, something was missing. Specifically, us. I mean, here we are, one of the most mediocre humor sites on the Internet, and we never got an invitation.
Now, I suppose Liza's been fairly busy, and it's quite possible our invitation just got lost in the mail. And so in spite of not being invited, all of us here at the Funny Pages staff wanted to send the happy couple our best wishes. So we thought it'd be a great way to express our feelings (not to mention a cheap publicity stunt) if we sent them a gift.
Unfortunately, the only place they were registered was Tiffany and Company (official motto: "You can't afford it. Trust us on this one."). I double-checked to see if they were registered at any place a little more economical. Like Target. But no such luck. I don't see why not -- Target has some perfectly fine household items. I know that my flatmates and I are quite happy with the housewares we've acquired from Target. But then again, we're also a bunch of guys who have never willingly purchased napkins before, so maybe we're not the best judges of taste.
See that first listing for Liza "Minelli"? I think some tricksters set that up to fool people into buying gifts for them. That's pretty sneaky...
And so, with no other option, we made our way to Tiffany's in San Francisco to buy a gift for Liza and David. The staff at Tiffany's was actually quite nice to me, which I found disappointing. See, as a not-particularly-inventive humor writer, I have to rely on the same old themes that every other humor writer relies on. Namely...
- Making fun of the food in England
- Making fun of the snooty salespeople at places like Tiffany's
- Making fun of Tito Jackson.(2)
So I've still hit 1 outta 3, which isn't too bad, but I was really disappointed to find that the people at Tiffany's weren't snobs I could make fun of. And I really tried to get some snooty comments out of them...
(I start to enter a room)
Saleswoman: I'm sorry, you can't go in there.
Me: Aha! Is it because that's the room for fancy rich people, and I'm not a fancy rich person? Is that what you're saying?!?
Saleswoman: No, that's the women's bathroom.
Me: Oh. (Pause) Ummm... is it the rich snooty women's bathroom?
Saleswoman: Stop it.
I also discovered that I got to the store too late, since somebody had already gone ahead and purchased all 12 Elsa Peretti platters for the happy couple, at $2,900 each. Darn! Luckily, there were still a few dessert spoons left, at the very-reasonable-if-you-compare-it-to-a-$2900-platter price of $105. That still seems high to me -- I kinda feel that if I'm going to pay $105 for a dessert spoon, it should massage my teeth while I'm eating. But I suppose they've just got different tastes than me.
The platter we just missed out on purchasing.
Luckily, we were able to find $105 in our budget -- primarily by taking it out of our writers' salaries. They're all a bunch of over-paid prima donnas anyway.(3) And so we mailed off one dessert spoon to the happy couple, meaning that they can now invite an extra person to all of their dinner parties, and not have to kick them out before the dessert course because they ran out of spoons.
So now that it's been sent off, I'm hoping we'll get some sort of thank-you letter from the newlyweds, which would be pretty cool. (A thank-you letter from their Personal Assistants would also be cool, but not as much so.) If we get one, we'll be sure to post a copy of it here on the Funny Pages for all of you to check out. I'll keep you informed of events as they happen.
In the meantime, enjoy our other features this week. We've got a fun little caption contest and a very strange little quiz involving marshmallow candies. Oh, but don't get in the habit of expecting three features every week. We were pretty ambitious here at the beginning, but we're planning on getting much lazier in the upcoming weeks.
(1) That is, David Gest is Liza's fourth husband. She didn't marry the same guy four times in a row. That'd be kinda dumb.
(2) Making fun of Jermaine or LaToya is also acceptable
(3) I mean, it's nothing but "me, me, me" from them. "I can't feed my starving children," "I don't see how you can be so heartless," "Ouch, stop it, you're hurting me," and so on and so forth.
Back to the Funny Pages
--Todd Kerpelman
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