Historical Note
About... oh... 2 days before the Funny Pages was supposed to debut, our legal department informed me that they weren't going to allow half the features I was planning on running. (This is why you should never run anything by your legal department. It just gives them an excuse to say no.)

Naturally, I kinda freaked, and scambled for some other last-minute material. This is what I came up with. There are some things that could have been done better, but given the time I had to write it, I think it came out pretty decent -- in fact, it was one of my mom's favorites for a long time. Possibly because she's seen me try to cook.

By the way, you might notice this is one of the first pieces I had written under the pseudonum Pete Thompson, in an effort to make it look like we were more than a one-man operation.


News and humor for the Pogo community
Cooking for Single Guys
For all Intents and Purposes, Based on a True Story

This piece doesn't need much introduction, except that I was invited to a dinner party last weekend.

Chocolate Decadent Cake
Directions:

12 tablespoons unsalted butter
8 ounces baking chocolate, cut into small pieces
3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons sugar
4 large eggs, separated
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour

  • Preheat the oven to 325°.
  • Melt chocolate over a pan of simmering water. Add sugar and butter and stir. Stir in egg yolks.
  • Beat egg whites until they form firm peaks
  • Gently fold egg whites into chocolate mixture, until well blended
  • Pour batter into a cake pan lined with parchment paper, and bake approximately 40 minutes.
  • Garnish with raspberries.

Serves 8-10.

Chocolate Decadent Cake
Full and Complete Directions for Single Guys:

1:00 Okay, time to go shopping!
1:13 Crap. They've got large eggs, extra large, and jumbo. So why do they all look the same size? What's the point of taking something that's only average size and calling it extra large? Yeah, yeah, I know. "Must have been named by a man."
1:20 Ooh, hey. That chick by the butcher's stand is a total babe! Say something!
1:21 "Do you need help finding some good meat?" That's your pick-up line? Real smooth, Romeo. At least you didn't say "Nice melons" to that girl in the produce section.
1:50 Okay, time to get started. Maybe you should taste this baking chocolate first.
1:51 Oh, jeez! That stuff tastes like horse poop! It must be bad. Better just use a Hershey bar instead.
2:15 Time to separate the eggs. Do it in that cool one-handed style you saw this chef on TV do once.
2:17 Okay, the first one was just practice.
2:18 That second one, too.
2:19 Would you forget the one-handed thing already?
2:20 Oh, wait. You needed that last egg -- there's only three left. Get out a spoon and try to scoop up as much of the yolk as you can. Dump it into a bowl. Maybe it's okay, since you ended up getting the jumbo eggs, so you can get away with three-and-some-spoonfuls.
2:26 Get out the mixer.
2:28 There's only one beater for it. Where's the other one?
2:30 Search the kitchen.
2:48 Find it in your roommate's bedroom. What the hell was he doing with a beater?
2:50 Never mind. You don't want to know. Better wash it first, though.
2:51 Come to think of it, maybe you should boil it.
2:55 Okay, you've got to form firm peaks. Strange, why are you suddenly thinking about your ex-girlfriend?
2:58 Well I guess the peaks are kind of firm. But are they really firm enough? Better keep whipping.
3:00 What the hell? "Firm" is so subjective! What does that mean, anyway? Should you be able to, like, hammer in nails with the stuff? Use it as spackle?
3:04 Well, I guess that's firm enough. Maybe you should add in a little Cool Whip to be sure. I mean, hey, everything tastes better with Cool Whip, anyway. Right?
3:10 Wait, the cake pan needs to be lined with parchment paper? Like, what they wrote the Declaration of Independence on? Hang on...
3:14 Well, you've got that fancy paper you printed your resume on. Maybe that's what they're talking about.
3:16 You don't have a cake pan? How could you not have a cake pan in your kitchen? Well, okay, I guess it makes sense... you don't really need a cake pan when all you cook is hot dogs and cereal.
3:18 Oh, look! You have a cupcake pan! That's kinda the same, right? You'll just make six small cakes instead of one big one.
3:20 Put in the cupcake pan.
3:21 Oops. You forgot to preheat the oven to 325. Well, set it to 500 to start, so it'll heat up faster. Then you can turn it back down.
3:22 Time for a beer! It's been a hard day's work.
3:25 Dude, check it out. Predator is on AMC. I guess it is a "Classic," right up there with It's a Wonderful Life.
3:30 Heh. "Stick around..." Arnold kicked ass back before he got all "Jingle All The Way" wussie on us.
3:58 This is the greatest part...
Soldier: You're bleeding sir!
Jesse Ventura: I ain't got time to bleed.
You're beginning to understand why he was elected governor. Maybe if Gore's campaign slogan was "I ain't got time to bleed," he'd have done a little better.
4:11 Don't you get it, Arnold? The reason the predator didn't see you is because he has heat-vision! Heat vision!!
4:52 Man, what a great movie.
4:53 Hey, what's that smell?
4:58 Oh, crap! Take the mini cakes out of the pan. Well, they're a little burnt and a little dense, but I'm sure they taste... oh, who are we kidding.
5:00 Drive to the grocery store.
5:12 Purchase Black Forest Cake from the bakery.
5:32 Transfer cake from bakery box to plate.
5:35 Transfer chocolate hockey pucks covered in burnt resume paper to bakery box. Leave out on kitchen table. Your roommates will eat them. Trust us on this one.
5:38 Garnish Black Forest cake with a little bit of flour so to the casual observer, it looks like you made it yourself.
5:50 Head off to dinner party.

Serves 8-10

--Pete Thompson


© 2002 by Todd Kerpelman -- Pogo and its parent company no longer takes any responsibility for the content contained within. If you got a problem with it, let me know.
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