As many of you now know, Fox has decided to cancel Ally McBeal. And for many fans, the loss of a favorite TV show can be quite traumatic. Much like the loss of a close relative. Well, maybe more like a pet. Well, maybe not your pet, but a neighbor's pet, for example. ("Hey... sorry about your dog. So... um, you gonna get another, or what?") Anyway, the point is that we know there are many viewers that are suffering from this tragic, tragic loss to their Monday nights.

As with any loss, those who are grieving are no doubt encountering what psychologists and therapists call "The Five Stages of Grief". In the early days, this was simply known as "The One Stage of Grief: Grieving" but then therapists realized they could charge extra 80-bucks-an-hour sessions if they started tacking on more stages. If your therapist tells you you're going through "The 38 Stages of Grief," she's probably planning on buying a new car.

So we brought the Funny Pages' own Dr. Gary in to explain to us the different stages of grief and help put together a strategy to best cope with the loss of television show. As a little disclaimer, we'd like to point out that Dr. Gary isn't a real doctor, but he has watched Dr. Phil on Oprah and read at least one of those Chicken Soup books, so he's pretty sure he gets the general gist of things.

As Dr. Sigmund Freud once said, "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt." (As Freud also once said, "Wow... your mom is really hot. Don't you think?") A person suffering from denial may not believe that Ally McBeal has actually been canceled. To see if you're suffering from denial, ask yourself these questions...

• Do you think Ally McBeal is still on?
• Has she gained a little weight?
• Is she sporting a killer tan?
• And a perm?

If you answered yes to all these questions, you're probably not watching Ally McBeal, but, instead, The Bernie Mac Show.

Experts say the best way to cope with denial is to expose yourself to reality and spend time immersed in the real world. We don't mean leave your house, of course, but just expose yourself to more reality television, such as Survivor, in which contestants are forced to spend several months on an island without being able to watch any televison. Or MTV's The Real World, in which seven strangers are forced to live in a house in some big contest to see which one of them can be the whiniest and most self-centered.

This is the stage in which those grieving often try to negotiate their way out of their present situation with higher powers such as God, or, in extreme cases, Bill Gates. You should be careful if, during your evening prayers, you start sounding too much like your kids when they want to stay up past their bedtime...

You: Dear God, please bring back Ally McBeal, and I'll never ever ask You for anything else again. Amen.
God: You know. that's what you said when you heard Felicity was being cancelled...
You: No, but this time I really really mean it!
God: I dunno... if you ask Me, the show's gone downhill ever since Billy left.
You: Well, could You at least make the Red Sox win the world series?
God: Whoa! Hang on! I may be omnipotent, but that's really pushing it...

While we're discussing theological matters, we've noticed from watching lots of sitcoms that this is usually the stage when people are most likely to sign their soul over to the devil. Be very cautious if approached by demons or other minions of Hell -- especially since many of them currently hold down jobs as television network executives.

A victim suffering from anger will often channel their grief into aggression and take this aggression out on inappropriate targets. Here's a quick test to find out if you're suffering from anger...

	Have you bonked anybody over the head with a baguette for bringing 14 items into a "12 items or less" lane?
	Have you at least thought about it?
	Have you screamed at your computer today?
	Have you screamed at your coffee maker today?
	Have you engaged in fantasies where you drive a tank onto the freeway and just knock everybody who's driving like an idiot off the road?
	Pretty cool, huh?

Score: If you checked off any of the previous answers by punching holes into your computer monitor with a sharp object, you're suffering from anger. And probably electrocution as well. Make sure your hair hasn't caught on fire, then go see a doctor.

Psychologists disagree on the best way to deal with anger. Some recommend calming therapy, where you surround yourself with cute, happy things such as stuffed animals. Others recommend catharsis, which means you get out your anger in a physical way, such as hitting balls with a baseball bat. Recently, therapists have tried a combination of the two, which involves hitting cute stuffed animals with a baseball bat, but that only appears to be effective among teenage boys.

Depression is the stage at which the person suffering from grief settles into a deep funk, at which point nothing seems to help. Not even Ben n' Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream. (Of course, it probably wouldn't hurt either.)

Therapists recommend that if you're suffering from depression and have a gravely voice, you should consider becoming a blues musician. This may not lift your depression, but at least you'll be able to cut a few good albums in the meantime.

Note: If you're between the ages of 13 and 16 and wearing a lot of black, you may not be suffering from depression; you're probably just suffering from angst, a feeling that will eventually go away when you get your own apartment. In the meantime, just watch Heathers a few times and buy stuff with that Emily girl on it, and it should cheer you up.

Acceptance is when you're able to make peace with yourself and your loss. It's at the acceptance phase that you start to realize Ally really did go downhill ever since Billy left, and you're no longer sure what was so clever about a creepy dancing baby in the first place. And, I mean, c'mon, it's not like it won't be in reruns on F/X for the next 12 years.

Once a person has entered the acceptance stage of grief, they'll experience a powerful sense of freedom, as they realize they can now spend their monday nights on other pursuits, such as trying to discover why everybody really loves Raymond or focusing their energy on trying to find a good man for Cathy.

* * *

So there you have it. The five stages of grief when a TV show dies. For some, recovery may take many weeks or even months. For others, it'll happen very quickly. ("Ally hasn't been cancelled... if we can make a deal... you *&$%ing #@*$head!!! Bummer. So, what else is on?")

Either way, we wish you the best in coping with the loss of your TV show. And remember that we here at the Pogo Shtick Funny Pages are always there for you. But, we mean, in a "hands off" sorta way. Don't be calling us or anything. Thanks.