An unprecedented number of Americans, after ignoring repeated warnings by Mom Scientific Monthly, have found their faces frozen in horrible grimaces after making mean or nasty expressions with them.

"It's a quite simple process, really," notes famed scientific researcher and mother of two Mrs. Shultz. "When the subject makes an extreme facial expression, they are creating a significant amount of strain on their facial muscles. This strain is enough to weaken the opposing musculature and causes it to undergo a process of rapid atrophy, and their face ends up stuck like that."

Mrs. Shultz then added, "The process is make even faster by being within close proximity of a catalyst, such as a meal I just spent all afternoon making, or if the victim is simply being a smart-alec."

And what of the millions who have recklessly disregarded these warnings and had their face stuck that way? Some of them have been able to live happy and productive lives, finding occupations in areas that don't require face to face contact with the general public. Telephone call centers, the radio industry, and most shows on the WB network have all provided safe havens for people whose faces are stuck like that.

But for others, they have found the social stigma of having their face stuck like that has been a serious obstacle to leading normal and productive lives.

"My last job interview was horrible," recalled face-stuck-like-that sufferer Berit Loftus "The entire time, I knew the interviewer was paying attention not to the words coming out of my mouth, but the horrible sneer it was stuck in from the time I made fun of my substitute teacher back in 7th grade. Eventually, he just burst out 'How can we possibly hire somebody who obviously doesn't pay attention to her own mother?' I was so ashamed."

Science has been slow in finding a cure for these people, but according to mothers at the MSM Research Facility, initial studies have shown the facial rebuilding process may be sped up by calling your mother once in a while, and making sure you're always wearing clean underwear.

The latest study at The Mothers Center for Energy Management has finally pinpointed the mysterious energy fields that make others feel warmer when you go and put on a sweater.

"It has long been common sense that when I feel cold, you should put on a sweater," noted famed Mom Researcher Joan Rettig. "But now we have found the scientific explanation behind this well-known phenomenon."

Mrs. Rettig goes on to point out that invisible beams of intense energy known as "sweaterons" are generated whenever a subject puts on a sweater. These sweaterons, moving at a similar wavelength to that of infra-red light, travel in a direct line from the sweater wearer to his or her mother, creating a feeling of soothing warmth.

Researches at MCEM went on to point out that sweaterons were only generated by the wearing of a sweater, a hat, or, in some instances, a heavy sweatshirt. Turning up the thermostat in one's house did not affect the generation of sweaterons in any way, except to waste a lot of money, which, as pointed out in Mom Scientific Monthly of March, 1999, does not grow on trees.

"I remember one time in the middle of winter when I called my son and informed him that I was freezing," noted research assistant Lilian Gobel. "He told me, 'Mom, that's because you're in Massachusetts. I'm in Florida.' I of course, informed him not to argue with me, since one of us is a noted research assistant, and the other one of us is simply hanging out on a beach with floozies I do not approve of and probably not wearing enough suntan lotion. Well, he immediately put on the sweater and within minutes, I could feel the sweaterons kick into action."

Scientists are now looking into the possibility of an amplified form of sweaterons not only affecting one's mother, but one's grandmother as well. This would, after years of study, finally explain the occurrence of hot flashes.

Whatever it is you're doing, mothers at the prestigious but feared Moms' Center for Disciplinary Studies announced yesterday, you'd better stop it by the time they count to three. The MCDS then added, "One..."

In their most recent and ominous statement to the public, the MCDS upped the ante by declaring, "Two..."

Nobody is exactly sure yet what the consequences would be, should the MCDS actually reach the number three, but rumors speculate a coordinated disciplinary effort with the Department of Dad's Motor Vehicles, which would involve turning the car around right now, resulting in nobody getting any ice cream.

Reports coming from several countries in the continent Africa have revealed that starving children there would, indeed, like some of that zucchini you're not going to eat.

"Really? Are you not going to finish that?" asked Alhaji, a child from Eritrea whose access to nutritional food items has been greatly diminished due to his country's recent drought and poor economic conditions that are still recovering from a border conflict with neighboring Ethiopia. "I really would like some stewed zucchini and eggplant. I hope you're just not going to throw it away. That would be so wasteful."

In a surprising turn of events, however, starving children in China have declared they would not in any way like some zucchini, adding in a tersely-worded press release, "It's yucky."

As reported by the Mom's Center for Household Accidents, running with scissors is now the primary source of blindness among those aged 12 - 25, overtaking other blindness causes such as sitting too close to the television and looking at dirty pictures on the Internet.

"It seems like everybody these days knows at least one person who was running with scissors, tripped, and ended up stabbing their eyes out," stated researcher Janna Brockmeier with a sad shake of her head.

Mom's Center for Household Accidents is planning on launching a series of public service campaigns designed to reduce the number of cases of running-with-scissors related blindness. New slogans will include, "Where's the fire? It'll be in the red hot searing pain riding up your optical nerve if you're not careful." and "I scream, you scream, we all scream when we stab ourselves with scissors, so stop running with them already."