Prehistoric Times
Wine originated back in caveman days when a caveman named Oog (short for Oogbert Thornhaven the Third) came back from a long day of hunting, gathering, and, like, driving one of those bottomless Flintstones foot-powered cars. There he discovered, in the back of his pantry, a bowl of grape juice he'd accidentally left there for the last two years.

Note: While evidence is scarce at this point, I have reason to believe Oog is actually a direct ancestor of my roommate, who apparently is trying to make his own alcoholic beverage out of 2-year-old Kung Pao Chicken in the back of our fridge, not that I am bitter.

Anyway, Oog realized this fermented grape juice was actually pretty good and invited his friends over for an evening of sipping wine, and discussing things like great works of literature they might be reading if the alphabet had been invented yet. Sadly, a group of cavemen in the cave next door had just discovered beer and, in a drunken mob, came by and bonked most of the wine drinkers on the head.

The Greeks
Wine came back into fashion during the Greek civilization. There, the Greeks held many fancy dinner parties, while discussing important cultural achievements like philosophy, the Olympics, and plays where guys stab their eyes out at the end. In the meantime, many other Greeks had discovered the joys of really cheap wine and, with the help of a case of Olde Olde Olde Thunderbird, invented the toga party.

Modern Times
In modern times, many parts of the world, from France to Chile to Australia to California have mastered the art of wine making and the cultivation of dozens of different types of grapes, so that today, an average guy can walk into a restaurant, scan the wine list, and regardless of what meal he's having or what mood he's in, he'll have absolutely no idea what to order.

We here at the Pogo Shtick Funny Pages may not have "degrees" in wine, or "experience". No, we might not be "sommeliers" or pour our wine from "bottles" into "glasses", instead of drinking directly from the box. But we did take a wine tasting class once. And we still have the notes from that class. Unfortunately, the notes we took at the beginning of class...

Also, we just got back from a weekend of wine-tasting with our girlfriends, where we learned, among other things, that when you're visiting a vineyard, it's apparently bad form to carry in a six-pack of Rolling Rock.

Step 1: Look at the wine
We're not sure exactly why people do this. Personally, I suspect that people who work at vineyards, after dealing with hundreds of tipsy people demanding free wine, get really bitter, and they start spitting in the wine. So you should always look at the wine and make sure nobody's spat in it. If they have, the correct response is to throw it in their face while saying, "This is garbage!" If you can say it in French ("Zees ees garbaaage!") that's even better.

Step 2: Smell the wine
This is because, if you're like me, you've heard those stories about people smashing grapes on the ground with their foot and don't want anything to do with it. I mean, here we've learned not to eat food that's fallen on the floor⁽¹⁾ , and now we're supposed to be drinking wine that's been sloshing between some guys's toes? We recommend you do smell your wine before drinking, and if it smells like somebody's feet, just order a soda.

Step 3: Taste it
Here's the tough part. You'll want to take a sip of the wine and comment on the taste. The trick here is that you should say it tastes like a bunch of fruits that aren't actually in the wine. Oh, sure, you might be tempted to say the wine tastes a lot like grapes, but this will label you as an uneducated heathen, who'll never get invited to poetry readings. (Between you and me, though, I would consider this a good thing.) Instead, say something like, "Why, this has a blackberry and cassis flavor. And do I detect a hint of hung game?⁽²⁾" If you find you're not able to say this with a straight face, you clearly haven't been drinking enough wine.

Step 4: (Optional) Mention that this would be a good wine to drink next time you're sailing on your boat.
We didn't do this when we were out wine tasting, but some women next to us were saying this, and it seemed to impress everybody. Alternately, if you say it reminds you of a Tom Wolfe or John Irving novel, that works too.

Step 5: The spit-take
We know that some professional wine tasters spit out the wine when they're done tasting it, but we feel it's much more fun to make your neighbor spit out theirs instead. For example, saying something like, "Wow. That was a really big bug you just swallowed," to your neighbor as they've just started drinking their wine is an excellent approach. Note, however, that this is fun to do when you're wine-tasting with your co-worker. Doing this with your girlfriend will probably result in your sleeping on the couch for several weeks.