So I want to start this week by apologizing to all the fathers in the world for not having a special Father's Day tribute, given that we did the whole Mother's Day thing last month. This was not because I have anything against the world's fathers -- they're great. My dad and I have wonderful, father-and-son talks in typical guy format, meaning they're usually messages sent in code while we're working on home construction projects together...

My Dad: Hey, Todd. Can you hold this shelf steady while I nail in some supports?
(Translation: "So tell me, son. How's life?")
Me: Yeah... is this stable?
(Translation: "Things are going well. I feel like I've gotten some stability into my life.")
My Dad: Uhhh... a little higher. Okay, hold on while I mark it with a pencil.
(Translation: "That's good. Are you eating right? Getting enough exercise? Emotionally, are you okay")
Me: Okay... hey, be careful with that hammer
(Translation: "Yeah, I've really been taking care of myself, and trying to focus more on just being happy instead of searching for any sort of external validation.")
My Dad: (Smashes his finger.) SON OF A @*#$&! YOU ^$&@-!*$&# $@#(*! PIECE OF @#*$!!!
(Translation: "That's great! I'm so happy for you, son.")

So this is usually the way my father and I communicate. It works perfectly, except that we generally can only have meaningful talks 10 times every few months, then I've gotta wait for the casts to come off.

Speaking of home improvement projects, I'd like to take a moment to point out that my most recent trip to Home Depot was a total bust. Mostly because I brought my girlfriend with me, who has this bizarre female trait known as "common sense," and therefore doesn't understand the whole guy experience of buying things at a hardware store. For me, a trip to Home Depot should go something like this...

1. Drive to Home Depot
   
   
2. Explain to the helpful Home Depot saleman the project you're thinking of doing because you saw it once on This Old House and are pretty sure it can be finished in just under half an hour.⁽¹⁾
   
   
3. Listen thoughtfully, while the helpful Home Depot salesman explains that your proejct will require more supplies than the Transcontinental Railroad.
   
   
4. Halfway through his explanation, when the Home Depot salesman asks, "You do have a router, don't you?" nod and say, "Yeah, it's nothing fancy, but it does the job."
   
   
5. Take a mental note that you need to go buy yourself a router as soon as you figure out what exactly it is.
   
   
6. Buy everything, take it home, and place it all in your garage in carefully organized piles so that you'll be all set to start work on it.
   
   
7. Leave all your supplies there in the garage for several months. Warning: Under no circumstances should you actually try doing anything with these supplies, since it will only lead to injury (or possibly, meaningful father-and-son talks).
   
   
8. If you start to feel guilty about your home improvement supplies collecting dust, you can write something down on your to-do list like, "Start that home improvement project". Then you can leave all that junk there for a few more months guilt-free.
   
   
9. Several months later, when you're going through your garage, trying to dig up stuff for your garage sale, say to yourself, "Gosh, I wonder what all these lumber supplies are doing here. And is that a router?"
   
   
10. Get rid of all those supplies, go to Ikea, and just buy whatever it was you were thinking of building in the first place.

Now maybe for those of you with real basements and workshops, there are other uses for Home Depot. I have friends that actually have rented jackhammers for home improvement projects and miraculously still have both their feet. But I've just got a little rental apartment, and am still at the stage where hanging a picture generally takes most of the weekend.

Nevertheless, this Sunday I had gotten to the point where I was totally convinced I could start making my own furniture out of large sheets of marble. That's when my girlfriend interrupted and pointed out that the closest thing I have to a stone cutter is a dull swiss army knife that seems to have trouble cutting cucumbers, much less anything made of marble.

I suppose she had a good point. In fact, I know she had a good point, since I ended up leaving the store empty-handed. But it was a sad moment for me -- there were other guys in the parking lot looking at me and thinking, "That poor fella," as they loaded up their cars with 75-pound bags of cement mix. Now I have a big empty void in my garage that I had planned on filling up with lumber and stuff. I suppose I'll just put my car there until I can find a real use for the space.

Anyway, I'm doing better now, but the whole experience has me feeling a little directionless in life. Luckily, I think I can ask my father for some advice, since most of his fingers have healed.

Oh, hey, on a completely different note, I'd like to apologize for all of the mail problems we've been having lately. I guess the guys in our tech department have been trying to move email accounts from our old servers to these swanky new servers, but they've been having trouble with ours. I apologize, and I hope things will get working again soon, so you can all get back to sending me useful feedback, helpful suggestions, marriage proposals, dirty pictures, and email viruses. In the meantime, be sure to check out our EA Celebrity Challenge with Tarrnie Williams this week. He's a swell guy, even if he is Canadian.