|
Inside Pogo
Reader Mail: Oh, Canada!
Hey, kids! This week we're going to delve into our mailbag and answer some important questions from our readers. Here's one from our neighbors up north.
Q: Dear Pogo: So, can you win a contest if you're a Canadian citizen? Thanks. A concerned Canadian.
A: You're Canadian?
Q: Yeah.
A: How come you didn't end your sentence with "Eh"?
Q: Well, I obviously don't say that sort of thing in writing.
A: Oh, c'mon. Say, "Eh". It's so cute!
Q: No. I find your request demeaning and insulting.
A: Say it....
Q: (Sigh) So, can you win a contest if you're a Canadian citizen, eh?
A: Hee hee hee!
Q: Shut up and answer my question.
A: Yes sir.
To understand Canada's relationship with America, let's get a quick review of Canadian history. Canada was originally founded by the French in the 1600s, who called the area "New France". Although after it was discovered some consumers preferred the old France, that country was relaunched as "France Classic".
Canada was discovered to be an area full of valuable resources. The most important of which were beaver pelts, which were considered to be quite fashionable. (Especially among the beaver population.) Although given that the main competing look at the time was smallpox, this wasn't really saying much.
Anyway, as soon as it was discovered that Canada contained valuable, non-smallpox related items, England decided to take it away from the French in what was called "The French and Indian War" The French, confused by the name, didn't realize they were actually at war with England, and headed off to India to do battle. By the time they came back, England had taken over most of the country.
Once England took over Canada, things started to get ugly, and we're not just talking about their teeth.(1) England and the United States had been feuding for many years about things like The Boston Tea Party, in which the city of Boston held a tea party and "forgot" to invite England. Eventually this snubbing led to the war of 1812.
The war of 1812 was a very slow-moving war. Remember that, during the Revolutionary War, England and the Colonies conducted their battles accompanied by drum and fife players. But between 1776 and 1812, an unprecedented buildup of military instruments led to whole orchestras being out there on the battlefield. And, this being the War of 1812, they had to play through the entire "War of 1812 Overture" before they could finally get to the ending part of the song where cannons are fired. Then they'd have to start over again.
Exhibit 1: Orchestral battalions prepare to do battle in the War of 1812. Note that, due to size restrictions, there wasn't any room for the armies and they all had to stay home.
Things did pick up after the artillery, following the tradition of percussionists everywhere, started rushing and coming in too early. This greatly irritated the French Horn section, who stormed off in an indignant fit and started Quebec, a city full of ticked off French Horn players. But this did lead to exciting things such as the Americans burning down Toronto (then called York, a leading producer of delicious peppermint patties). This was followed by the Canadians burning down Washington D.C., which was a very traumatic moment for many of D.C.'s residents, and it led many to believe that aging senator Strom Thurmond (84 years old at the time) would soon retire.
Between 1812 and 1960, nothing happened.(2)
In the 60s, Canada declared independence from England. Unlike our own independence, it was done with a minimum of fuss. It primarily consisted of a phone call
England: Hello... England here.
Canada: Hi, England. This is Canada. Say, we were just wondering -- we'd really like be our own country from now on. If that's okay with you.
England: Well... normally, we don't do this without some sort of war, or at least a bloody uprising, but I suppose we can let you go.
Canada: Great. We'll talk to you later.
England: Jolly good. Bob's your uncle. Cheerios.
However, lasting animosity remains between Canada and the United States in a little cultural Cold War. (Except during the summertime when it's known as a "mildly brisk war.") Canada occasionally sends down musical acts consisting of high pitched screechy women, such as Celine Dion, Alanis Morissette, and Geddy Lee, in an attempt to blow out our eardrums. The U.S., in retaliation, has sent Starbucks to invade the entire city of Vancouver.(3)
And somewhere in the middle of it all is Quebec, who, once every few years, launches large protests to secede from the rest of Canada. Unfortunately, their arguments generally aren't that persuasive, because the rest of Canada doesn't speak French.
So in answer to your question: Yes, Canadians can win jackpots on Pogo. But, possibly because we're still upset about that whole "burning down Washington" thing, they don't win automatically. Once they win a jackpot (and I'm totally serious here), they're sent a math question to answer, and they need to answer this math question in order to win the prize money.
Also, we do need to point out that Quebecois (French for "Folks who live in Quebec, eh") aren't eligible to win Pogo jackpots at all. According to our customer service folks, it's because of various legal hurdles, but if you ask me, I think it's just because we don't really understand what they're saying.
So, that's about it for this week's mailbag. Remember, we're always happy to answer your mail. Unless it's boring. Then we'll pretend like we never received your mail. So be sure to send those questions to us and, when we've got nothing better to do, we'll try answering them.
Disclaimer: The Pogo Shtick Funny Pages would like to point out that this is all in good-spirited fun, and we do like Canadians. Even the ones from Quebec, who have taught us crucial French phrases such as, "Ou sont les strip teaseuses?"
(1) Okay, sorry. Last British teeth joke I'll ever make.
(2) Really. I did research.
(3) They've successfully taken over 93% of the city.
|
|
