As many of you might have noticed, the economy has encountered what economists are calling "a bit of a downturn". As in, "Wow, the Titanic sure went into a bit of a downturn after it ran into that iceberg." But don't let the fact that you'll be a burden on your family be a burden on your conscience -- cheer up! We'll find plenty of ways for you to survive the tough times with...

• Do you know the difference between a delicious can of Mighty Dog and a venison-and-peppercorn terrine? Neither will your dinner guests.
  
  
• Contrary to what you might think, there are still plenty of smart investors out there who are making money in this poor economy. You should observe these people, make notes of their habits, and then steal their stuff when they're not at home.
  
  
• You know who doesn't like bacon? Nobody. Invest in pork bellies!
  
  
• If cartoons from the 1930s have taught us anything, it's that when you're poor, you can still make a delicious meal from boiling an old boot. Also, if somebody is about to shoot you with a shotgun, you can sabotage their plans by sticking your finger in the end of the barrel.

  

  Have you tried the fillet of sole? It's delicious tonight.
  
  
• Buy double-ply toilet paper and then turn it into twice as much 1-ply toilet paper at home. Or, better yet, just use WorldCom stock certificates, which are considerably cheaper.
  
  
• When a man on the street holds out a cup and says, "Spare change?" there's no need to feel awkward. Just go ahead and take what you need. That's why he's offering it.
  
  
• Don't spend your money on expensive movie tickets; just send one friend to see the movie and have him describe it to the rest of you in vivid detail.
  
  
• You know those get-rich-quick schemes you get e-mailed all the time? They must work, because only millionaires spend their time spamming everybody else on the Internet.
  
  
• You may be tempted to steal music through the Internet, but remember that in the end, this is like stealing food from the mouth of Blues Traveler's Jon Popper. So maybe it's a good thing after all.
  
  
• Figure out if there's a way to make money off of people who drive like total jerks, 'cuz dang, there sure are a lot of 'em out there.
  
  
• If you're unemployed, take advantage of your unexpected free time by pursuing hobbies you've always wanted to try, but never had time for. Like sitting around and wasting time.
  
  
• After you've gotten everybody else to feel sad about how poor you are, secretly withdraw the $80 million you've got stashed in your off-shore accounts and retire to Borneo. (Enron executives only)
  
  
• Ben Franklin once said that a penny saved is a penny earned. This is why nobody liked him -- he was a big cheapskate.