So, as many of you know, Major League Baseball's players and owners finally came to an agreement this last week about issues involving more truckloads of money than I'll ever see in my entire life. Basically so they can stand around for a couple of hours a day and spit a lot. Not that I am bitter.

Anyway, we assembled our crack team of Funny Pages investigative reports to sneak into these highly-confidential talks, and report back to us on what exactly were the terms of this top-secret Major League Baseball agreement. This was a mission that involved quick wits, a sound mind, and the ability to remain cool under stress.

Naturally, they failed miserably. So we just made some stuff up instead. Here's what we dug up....

This agreement upon execution on behalf of Major League Baseball, the teams' respective Owners and the MLB Players Union will confirm the agreement between the various parties under the following terms and conditions: Players agree to lay off the steroids. In return, owners must re-build all stadiums so they're 28% smaller. Healthcare benefits are now extended to all illegitimate children of ballplayers. Owners recognize the right of players to be Insanely Wealthy, instead of previous level of Ridiculously Wealthy. To even out the playing field, all teams finishing last in their division are given one free Ted Williams clone. Tampa Bay will get two. All players, upon entering New York City, are automatically offered a $10 million contract to play for the Yankees. Out: Commissioner Bud Selig. In: Commissioner Vince McMahon! Mike Piazza's locker has to be painted something pretty. Like maybe a nice lavender. Players and owners agree that Diet Dr. Pepper does, indeed, taste more like regular Dr. Pepper. Note: The Atlanta Braves are granted permission to continue asserting that Mr. PiBB tastes better than either one. The next time there's a Yankees / Mets World Series, the rest of the country has to act like they give a crap. Medical insurance now covers boob jobs. Uh, that's for their spouses. Not for the players. All players nominated for the all-star game have to play until at least the 5th inning. Unless, ya know, they're really really tired. Then they can stop sometime during the 4th inning. When players complain about the hideously unfair $200,000 minimum salary, the rest of America has to suppress the urge to smack them upside the head with our lunch bags. Players agree to a maximum of 35 crotch adjustments per inning. Goodbye, bat-boys. Hello, bat-Hooters-girls! "We Will Rock You" is forever banned from all baseball stadiums. Players concede that "Center Field" is still a catchy song. To make things fair, large city teams with lucrative television markets must donate a portion of their revenue to a fund that compensates cities with smaller markets, like Kansas City. Wait -- Kansas City has a baseball team?! Since when? You're kidding me. Huh. Okay, then. I guess they get some money for... what team did you say it was? The Royals? Right. For the next 100 years, the Boston Red Sox are required to start the season off strong, and then choke approximately 2/3 into the season. (Oh, wait. Our mistake. This was part of the 1919 Major League Baseball agreement.) The U.S. Government agrees to grant immediate political asylum to all Cuban refugees, assuming their batting average is over .325. In addition to large cash bonuses, new players are also granted approximately 9.8 million free hours on America On-Line. Players can now telecommute every alternate Wednesday. Sure, A-Rod might have $250 million, but he has to buy all his food, beer, and clothing from the concession stands. Now let's see how long that dough lasts...