So I was watching Gladiator on tape the other day. And you know, those Romans really knew how to throw a sporting event.

I mean, these days when you see an athlete giving a bit of extra effort, it's only because their contract is going to be up next year and they're looking to renegotiate their salaries. But back then, those gladiators gave 110% all the time, because if they didn't, they'd end up with axes lodged in their spines. Which made it really hard to meet women.

Unfortunately, thanks to annoyances like protective gear, rules, and human rights, it's really difficult to find a sport where anybody fights to the death these days. The most you can hope for is they'll re-show that Joe Theisman video again on TV.

Luckily, we've still got plants. And nobody seems to care much about plants.⁽¹⁾ I got the idea for this feature back when I tried to water some tomato plants with vodka, thinking that I could grow my own pre-mixed Bloody Marys (and in their own packaging, too!).

It seemed like a brilliant idea at the time⁽²⁾. Unfortunately, plants don't react well to vodka. While I assumed they would just get really sleepy and think that all the nearby plants were a lot more attractive, they shriveled up and died instead.

So this little invention didn't take off. But it made me think this could lead to a really interesting botanical experiment. Unfortunately, the phrase "botanical experiment" is about as interesting as sandpaper (and I'm not talking the fancy wet-dry stuff). But with some help from our marketing department, I'm pleased to present...

The Funny Pages Mortal Combat Death Race Arena Thingie!!

Yes, five plants enter, but only one plant leaves! It's a fight to the death as our contenders try to outlast each other in a battle of wits and... uh... not dying.

Here's how it works: I picked up five plants at my local department store. I'll feed each one of them only one type of liquid, twice a week, until there's one plant left. Or my desk gets too stinky. Whichever comes first.

Anyway, let's meet our contestants:

Name: Carl Drink: Cola Catchphrase: "Hey, can I get some more reverb?"
Carl is a budding (Ha! Get it!) musician, and his latest band "The Green Stems" have a bona-fide hit on their hands with "Fell in Love With a Stamen". So, the rest of his band members aren't really keen on the idea of him risking his life, 'cuz if he died, he'd miss a lot of rehearsal. But Carl figures it's a good publicity stunt.

Name: Esther Drink: Espresso Catchphrase: "Leave me alone -- I've got three more chapters to read tonight."
	Esther is a college student, studying botany (she's pre-med). And when it comes to pulling all-nighters, there's nothing like a little caffeine to make her ready to hit the books. (Turning pages is still difficult when you have no hands.) You might say Esther is a little uptight, the same way you might say that the Sahara desert is a little sandy.

Name: Erik Drink: One of those Energy Drinks Catchphrase: "Whoa... hang on. What? Wait a sec. Dude, I'm like..."
Erik likes to stay out all night at the dance clubs with his other party plant friends, and then sleeps in all day so he can recover for another evening of partying. Of course, that's why he doesn't have a job, and might explain why his parents were so eager to get him out of the house. As soon as he wakes up, we'll tell him about this whole death race thing his folks volunteered him for.

Name: Victor Drink: Vodka Catchphrase: "I have no catchphrase. You will leave now."
	Nobody seems to know much about Victor... he listed his previous occupation as "cleaning up messy situations" for foreign governments. Although given that he's licensed to carry around weed killer, I don't think he was just doing janitorial work. Victor says he plans on winning the MCDRAT through cold, psychological warfare. And by trying not to barf.

Name: Wendy Drink: Wine Catchphrase: "I hope you weren't planning on wearing those shoes after Labor Day."

Wendy comes to us from the grounds of the Snootington Country Club, where she mingled with the movers and shakers of high-society. However, being a plant, she could neither move nor shake, so she's often found herself snubbed by the other members. And so she's here to make a name for herself. She finds the brutish behavior of the other contestants quite unappealing, and hopes we'll at least have the decency to give her a nice French wine.

So those are our contestants, with their photographs taken pre-death-race. We'll check in on them in a week or two and find out how they're doing. And I'll go have a chat with the Great Pogini and see if he'll do a prediction on the Death Race Arena Thingie, so y'all can win some tokens.

In the meantime, discuss and place friendly wagers with your friends! Because, believe me, this is the one reality series you don't want to miss!

Well, besides Survivor.

And Dog Eat Dog.

And Fear Factor.

Okay, after those three, The Mole, Blind Date, Trading Spaces, Big Brother, The Osbournes, The Real World, Sorority Life, Meet My Folks, American Idol, Frontier House, Project Greenlight, Making the Band, Road Rules, The Amazing Race, The Anna Nicole Smith Show, and Shipmates, this is the one reality series you don't want to miss!

⁽¹⁾ Especially those cruel and callous vegetarians. Bunch of sick-o's
⁽²⁾ Possibly because I had already consumed a few bloody marys at that point.