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What Infomercial Are You?

Another Self Test from the Pogo Psychological Institute

I don't know what it is about infomercials that drags me in late at night when I'm channel flipping. There's just something about watching people applaud cookware that makes me think, "Hey! Yeah! I really DO want to eliminate the fat from my cooking!" This doesn't really make any sense because a) I don't cook, and b) Those rare occasions I do cook, I'm generally trying to make my patented Deep-Fried Bacon Cheese and Avocado Hamburgers, and I don't think any product from T-Fal is going to help me eliminate the fat there, unless it actually took my cooking, threw it directly into the garbage disposal, and then made me a salad.(1)

But I think that experience, while wasting several hours of our lives, has made us experts at all things infomercial-related. And so we figured it was time for another self quiz where you can finally figure where you sit in the world of paid programming. Go ahead! Give it a try!

Expensive sports cars...

...are sexy!
...are great because I like to drive fast!
...are impractical.
...make a great gift (hint, hint)
What's the best way to amass a personal fortune?

You gotta bend the rules a little.
Plain ol' fashioned hard work.
Find yourself a Sugar Daddy. (Or Sugar Momma, where appropriate)
It's Sunday morning. What do you do?

Sleep in and enjoy a relaxing morning.
Go to church.
Wake up and run errands.
Try and recover from Saturday night.
You find a wallet on the street. What do you do?

First, check the drivers license and see how attractive the owner is.
Try to return it right away.
Return it, minus a "finder's fee."
Let somebody else deal with it.
What do you find the biggest turn-off in a potential mate?

Smelly
Not in good shape
Too hairy
What sounds like a good vacation destination to you?

A nice sunny beach
Vegas, baby, Vegas!
A cabin in the woods
I don't care as long as it involves a spa
You just realize that you've been suckered out of $60 by a pool hustler. What do you do?

Threaten to kick the guy's butt until he gives you your money back.
Plan an even more diabolical scheme where you can get your money back and then some.
It sucks, but better to just chalk it up to experience and move on.
I would never wager money on any sort of contest.
Who do you tend to vote for?

Democrats
Republicans
Pfft. Voting is for suckers.
What's your favorite alcoholic beverage?

Beer
A frozen strawberry margarita
A martini
Shots of tequila
Alcohol is bad for you. I'll stick with a soda.
What's the best way to get fit?

Exercise, ya lazy bum
A balanced diet.
Liposuction
With the help from a personal trainer.
Who's your favorite Scooby Doo character?

Shaggy. Like, uh... I'll be in the van. You go chase some monsters or something.
Daphne. She's real pretty.
Old Man Withers! And he would have gotten away with it, too...
Scrappy Doo. He doesn't spend all his time running away.
Are you punctual?

Absolutely. It's very important to be on time.
I try to be, but time somehow gets away from me.
Look, I'm going to take as long as necessary to look good. What's the point of showing up on time if your hair's a mess?
Pffft... you and your schedules. It's ruining my groove, man!
What's your biggest pet peeve about people you've lived with?

They're lazy!
They're dirty!
They're crazy!
They use my stuff without asking!
They're family, which means I can't kick them out, OR charge them rent. Darn it.
It's not important if you win or lose, it's...

...no, who am I kidding. It's all about winning.
...how good you look doing it.
...about having fun.

(1) Which I would then add bacon to.


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